My life, my songs and my stories...

Move Forward, Not Back

2009-05-10T21:31:00.000+08:00

I couldn’t sleep the past few days. I was thinking and thinking, feeling guilty for what I’ve done to her and to myself especially. The only thing I did was to be honest and be open for whatever I was feeling. And despite of this, he still put me into this situation where I am a loser both ways. When he told me about it, I was fine and took it as it was. But then, I think I wasn’t able to react the way I should because I was too insensitive of my own pain. He asked me to hold on and wait for the right time so he can fix everything for us. That us crossing paths again after more than five years could really mean something. I know he didn’t intend to do this but it was done already and he can not bring back the time.

I can’t move on still because I need time to deal with this anger towards him and towards myself, but I know I have nothing to go back to and the only choice I have right now is to do what is right and move forward. :(

Our Pangasinan Adventure!!!

2009-05-10T21:22:00.001+08:00

(May 1-2, 2009)

Against all odds, the delays and challenges we had encountered during our trip, the Silang Pangasinan Adventure was still undeniably a big success!!!

Personally, it was way better than the Zambales trip last year, not because more people joined and who participated or not but because we were able to spend more time together (in the van…finding our destination hopelessly), had more unforgettable memories, got to visit lots of places and of course I had that trip with Nica. My euphoria from that trip even lasted for more than a week! If only our budget was not limited, our physical bodies not yet giving up and we didn’t have jobs to worry, I think we could have stayed longer in Pangasinan. Haaay….

Ten of my fifteen friends met in our house where we had our quick lunch. Mama cooked sinigang and lumpiang shanghai which we just bought and prepared hastily that morning, but it turned out to be “masarap”. Nas even joked me on the spot that he couldn’t make it and everyone whom I shared the news with was cursing him already for doing that, when suddenly he showed up and said “joke lang”, gggrrrrrrr. We departed around 12 noon and picked up Epay and Eilron and went straight to SM North Edsa to pick up the last three people. However, on our way there Nica texted me that she couldn’t make it at 1pm because the other manager who would replace her would come in at 2 pm. So we wandered around the mall for a while until 2pm. Jeng and Liz were waiting for us there as well. So finally, we were already complete and were ready to start the journey. Nica and Eilron struggled to eat their lunch that I prepared for them in the van. Haha!

We expected a 4-5 hour travel from Manila to Bolinao Pangasinan, but we spent 8 HOURS traveling alone. Imagine the butt pain we all had. We went down to several McDo’s on our way to pee and grab snacks. We entertained ourselves the best way we could but some ended up sleeping, other chatting, playing and fighting their boredom, haha. Good thing we had a clown with us (thank you arnel) that kept our spirits high (naks!).

Anyway, around 5pm, we reached Pangasinan, the scenes, the ambiance, fresh air, the urbanity of the place itself really drew me in. Inside me, I was thanking God for the wonderful gifts that I was witnessing then and also for pulling me out of the city life for a while. Everybody was getting impatient already with all the signs on the road pointing us to our destination because they seemed endless. But we just ended up making jokes out of it and laughing at ourselves. It was dark already, the roads were narrow and zigzagy. Beside us were mountains and hills, in short it was really scary. The good thing was that the people of Pangasinan are kind, welcoming and really helpful in telling us directions. Thank God, we reached Bolinao Town proper at around 9pm. We had our really late dinner and checked in to our Inn. The rooms were comfortable, simple and clean. It was worth it, two rooms for just P3,600. I didn’t know until we arrived there that Rock Garden is a beach resort also. So we decided, after putting down our things to visit the shore. We saw some families still enjoying the beach that late at night. The water was warm, so shallow and even if you walked like 5 meters away, the water was still knee deep. We didn’t stay long and just took few pictures and then decided to prepare ourselves to sleep. But no, we even had the energy to play card games and chat until 2am, (remember our call time was 4:30 am). It was really really fun, we just laughed our hearts out literally.

We left Rock Garden around 6 am the next morning. Jayson, Jeng, Lis and Nas even had time to ride a balsa before leaving. We had our breakfast on our way to Patar Beach. It took us around 1 ½ hour ride going there from the Inn. Everyone was so excited to finally see the fruit of our long labor (Yahoo!!!). We could smell the sea air that was so magnetizing.

Patar Beach is an unsullied place even if it is open to the public. The sand was like polvoron and was so fine. There were some sea weeds on the shore but it did not diminish our longing for the beach. There were some rocky parts but there were also some sandy ones where we swam. We had to walk few meters to feel the waves and ride with them. Ofcourse, the water was salty (hehe!) but not salty enough for you to give up swimming. We took pictures, ate snacks, played volleyball and dodge ball. Arnel even had a high blood pressure! My goodness! We panicked for a while, hehe. We just bought our lunch there that was done in a flash. So I bet, everyone got really hungry then. Before leaving, we decided not to take a bath because we would still head to hundred islands and swim there. The only minus point in our Patar adventure was the public comfort rooms. Relatively, they were still cleaner compared to other public places but not comfortable enough to use.

Hundred Islands Adventure was more remarkable. It was my first time to do island hopping and doing it with my friends made it more special for me. We rented a big boat for P2,000 and another P1,500 for the vests, snorkeling apparatus and salbabidas. All of us couldn’t wait to jump in to the boat and start the banca moving. Sad thing was that Kuya Larry, our driver couldn’t join because the banca fits 17 people only, with our two banca drivers. We were all quiet while rolling our eyes, looking at the islets and bigger isolated islands, counting and naming them. We first headed to the Governor’s island where we climbed up a long winding stairway to reach the summit where we could see the entire hundred islands, well almost. Then, we went to visit few more islands and stopped at Lopez I think to swim and snorkel. I saw giant clams and few fishes and headed back to the banca together with nica, shai and eilron to give my vest to Arnel. It was so funny that we discovered that Arnel was afraid of water and was literally shaking when he got down the first time…hahahahaha!. That became a running joke on our way home. Before we left the hundred islands around 5 pm, we still stopped at one island and swam. We owned that island for a while and it felt really good to be literally away from everything.

The minus point for Hundred Islands was also the comfort rooms. We really struggled to clean ourselves because the CRs did not have water! Imagine that! We fall in line, paid for 10 bucks and cleaned our bodies with leftover water from the drums. Haay… we left at 7 pm there.

We had our dinner at Chowking and headed home. I thought we would be home at midnight but it took us another 6 hours to finally get home. And we almost got lost because our “timon”, arnel was so busy playing Eilron’s PSP instead of directing our driver (who I think has a directionality problem…hehe). We almost passed by two towns that would bring us back to Pangasinan instead of heading us back to Manila. So I didn’t have a choice but to transfer to the front seat and guide our driver. I was really feeling nervous then that something bad might happen so I prayed to have few more energy just to stay awake and bring my friends safely back home.

Thank God we reached San Mateo at 2am.
I Thank Daddy Jess for this treasured experience. I really enjoyed it and would go back to it over and over again. I am praying that there will be more of these in the years to come, hopefully more Silang could join then.

I LOVE YOU SILANG!!!!!

Bolinao Trip Itinerary

2009-04-26T17:24:00.000+08:00

ITINERARY FOR BOLINAO PANGASINAN TRIP
May 1-2, 2009
Budget: P1,200 each
Group Budget: P 15,600 (breakdown below)
P 6,000- van, gas, driver c/o jayson (thanks rivera!)
P 4,000- accommodation (Inn)
P 2,000- Hundred Islands Boat rent and Patar Beach cottage rent (estimate)
P 2,000- food allowance (Dinner and Lunch)
P 1,600- extra money

MAY 1: (afternoon)
11:00 am-12:00 nn: assembly at Phnas’ residence (walang late!!! May batok ang late)
LUNCH kila Phnas (kung libre…still thinking about it..haha)
(Phnas, Ael and Kiko, Shai, Jayson, Yam, Eilron, Pol, Nas, Jeng and Liz, Arnel)

12:00-1:00pm: sundo kay nica at SM North Edsa (special kid kasi..love you nicapot!)

1:00pm- 6:00 pm: byahe!!!! Zzzzzzz (chika-chika) init!!!!!

6:00pm-7:00pm: Bolinao Town Proper
Go to market to buy food and stuff that we’ll be needing
Ask around for the boat ride to hundred islands hopping

8:00 pm: Check-in at Rock Garden Resort
DINNER

9:00-11:00pm: Relax, Swim if you want (P75 per person)
SLEEP!!! zzzzzz

MAY 2:
4:30 am: Wake up call, prepare things for “Bolinao Tour” (sorry super aga, saying kasi ang time!)

5:00 am: BREAKFAST

5:30 am-11am: departure
BOLINAO TOUR
(Hundred Islands, Patar Beach, Caves)

11:00-12:00 nn: Ligo and check out sa Rock Garden Beach Resort

1:00pm-3:00pm: *Lighthouse, Cape Bolinao, Church and UP Marine (If we have time)

4:00pm Uwian na! zzzzzz ulit!

7:00 pm: DINNER on our way home

* order or places to visit could change ah

IMPORTANT reminders:
1. PACK LIGHT! (ouchy! I’m not gonna bring my infamous maleta na to save space!! Ahahaha!). No seriously, kasi we are not at the Inn all the time so make sure that your stuff won’t be a hassle. Just make sure to bring extra clothes, sun block, water, extra money in case you need it and cameras ofcourse!). Bring card and board games and music as well.
2. BRING YOUR COMFORT FOOD AND PERSONAL SNACKS. If you did notice, we are not bringing food (sorry, no time to think about it pa…). To avoid the last year’s “starving-can’t find a fast food- no snacks at the van-incident”, let’s make sure na we have extra foodies for yourself at least na dapat ding ishare to everybody!..haha)
3. GET READY FOR AN ADVENTURE: Let’s be cowboys for a few days. Honestly, I am not sure about the places we are going to explore. But don’t worry, we’ll find our ways (we could always use our charms to ask around manongs of the town! Hihi!). Please walang iinit ang ulo in case magkanda ligaw ligaw tayo! Peace….
4. PLEASE PRAY FOR A SAFE TRIP AND PERFECT WEATHER. (no more explanation for these two).
5. ALWAYS CONTACT ME… (just to make sure everything will go the way we planned it…and please just bear with my ka OC han!)

*hugs*
See yah! So excited!

i'll be back soon...

2009-04-09T10:58:00.003+08:00

hello! i missed this sooo much! writing....

unexpected things happened...
a lot of it...
i lost some.. i gained more..
a BIG Thanks to Daddy Jess..
He still knows how to make me happy...
despite of and inspite of...

i would like to write again...
to do what i love to do...
now that i have all the time in the world...
to think...

2008-10-14T09:35:00.000+08:00

Current Status: In Hiatus!
Super busy!!!! But happy!!!
Great news!: Mike’s out of the hospital na!!
I m registered for December’s NMAT sched.
I am enrolling for this second sem to finish the required
subjects for med.

2008-09-14T11:20:00.002+08:00

I want to write books

I want to sew dresses

I want to put up a small organization where I can teach unprivileged kids to read

I hope I am rich, not for the money, but for the reason that I know I can do much much more if I do have enough resources.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

2008-09-03T11:16:00.000+08:00

Have you been to a situation wherein you wished something have stopped but you weren’t sure how would you be like after that happened? You wanted it to end as quickly as possible but you were sure you’d be at lost, morose, pathetic.

Honestly, I don’t know what I covet to prevent, but I am sure there is something. It makes me crazy, figuratively. I can’t even tell myself why, what’s going on inside my head, my heart, my body, or maybe my soul could be included. Tell me it sucks, right? You are living in a clueless world, all uncertain, all things you do without any rationale at all. You are suspended, hanged, you don’t even know how to get to the other end of the cut bridge. Falling, dropping, pulled by gravity, you are not in control, but you want to hold on because you’d rather choose to live like this than to live in improbability. Does this make sense? Well, at least yes for me.

All I know is I’m tired, maybe of everything. Don’t get me wrong, ok. It’s not my meaning to sound in the depths of despair or with nothing to live for or something. But it’s just like that. This could all be nonsense babbles. Maybe. It’s therapeutic, so I won’t care whatever you think. (ok, that doesn’t sound like me talking)

Pain.
I think I am gradually losing the feeling of comfort with her. It feels like being around her doesn’t seem like I am within my sanctuary anymore. I know she listens, but she doesn’t understand. Maybe, it’s just that she has a lot things going on with her, I don’t know. I hope it’s just like that. When I talk to her or give her advice, I felt like a religious lecturer giving her thoughts about life, rather than a long time friend. It doesn’t feel like me telling her to do this because I think it will help her, friend to friend palavers. It’s not like that anymore. The wordless days between us hurt me, so much. There are times that I doubt myself if I can still disclose the real me to her, no reservations, no what- ifs, with no judgment at all. Are we losing us?

Mess.
Plans. Schedules. Organizers. Time frame. Distractions. Temptations. Giving in. Stupidity. Qualms. Lost time. Lost effort. Lost faith. Regrets. Melancholy. Moving on, but still a mess. Definition of me, now.

Uncertainty.
This is my mortal enemy. It bugs me all the time, everywhere. It makes me inattentive to the people, blessings, opportunities around me, hence preventing me to live a life. I know it’s been discussed, way overdone, but it has this certain attraction that drags me towards it effortlessly. Career, relationships, purpose, home, community, promises, faith, fate, ALL uncertain. Where I am headed, what will I do? I am not sure…

Aspirations.
God has given me so much ability, some I just put aside, some I wasn’t even aware was there, some I didn’t have the guts to recognize, some I am boastful about (in a good way), some I just deal with as if everyone could have it so easily, like we are all born with it. I was uncaring at all. I search tenaciously, unending search of my purpose here. I try very hard to explore where I am supposed to be headed, so I’d come prepared. I try to be patient as well, but sadly, it’s not getting me anywhere. It is because subconsciously it’s spelled out already for me, a very long time ago. I kept on searching unremittingly because I am hoping, somehow, the path would curl, and it would give up transgressing obediently within the trail made for it. I would be in control and what’s planned would change, headed towards the course I want. But what if He is more stubborn than me, like a stanch parent to His child?

I need unswerving patience. I will wait.
I need adequate amount of time to think, to feel, to wallow, to understand. I will wait.
I need to be filled with so so so much love. I will wait.
I need to learn how to trust. I will give myself time.
I need to understand that not all things come as one. I will understand.
I need to be content and not wanting. I will try.
I need to disown everyone and everything. I will try.
I need to have faith to realize all these things. I will rely on His faith in me.

2008-08-10T23:51:00.001+08:00

I feel best when…I’ve adhered to my weekly schedule effectively.
No one but me knows… that I want to be a *toooooot*…secret!
When it’s rainy I … often get lonesome and useless.
My favorite activity… would be engaging myself in different kinds of sports.
On weekends I like to … sleep a lot, pig out, watch endlessly and read.
When I’m bored… I hate myself.
Sometimes I like to… daydream about my future life.
If only my teacher… didn’t spread my “embarrassing stupidity” back in high school.
The best time I ever had … was when me, my daddy and mama went to Star City when I was a kid.
Something strange that I saw … was a nude and drunk guy on the driver seat at 6 am at the rear gate of UST. *shocking!*
What I dislike most about school… status in life somehow dictates the quality of education a child could get
When I first wake up … I check my phone, plug in the tv for news and do my personal morning routines.
I was really embarrassed … when I bawled during my valedictory speech in front of teachers, parents, and batch mates.
I’m glad my best friend … didn’t have a romantic love towards me.
It makes me tired when … after a long exhausting day, I don’t have something to look forward to, to release my stress.
When I am grouchy … I eat sinful foods, cry and sleep early.
At times I’d like to … to be a typical someone.
A friend would not … judge you for what you’ve done, either good or bad.
I wish my parents … met at the right time.
Having a pet… is one of the few things I haven’t done.
I really enjoy … out of town trips, traveling and nature tripping.
If I had three wishes … it would be to fulfill my dreams for my mama, kuya and myself, to have a wonderful family in the future and to be happy always.
Playing games … give me confidence.
What really drives me crazy … are breads, books and dvd series, magazines, recipe books, sewing, my students, how unrated the teachers are, kalbo and stocky guys
When I’m older … I’ll be a good mom, a loving wife, a more mature and more responsible Christian, a successful doctor, a traveler and still a teacher.
Homework … thank God, I don’t have it now.
What I like most about myself … is I forgive me.
I can best be described as … Juday look a like???? Waaaahhhh!!!!!!
Something that makes me laugh … are the things people consider as not funny.
I get angry when … I don’t know… seriously.

The Gentleman Player

2008-08-03T23:55:00.001+08:00

It was the first time that this girl had ever known that something called love. It didn’t start as an infatuation, like it usually does in common love stories. This was something let us say magical. Yes, even at a young age of 10, she understood how the magic of love could change how she saw things.

It was a typical afternoon in the field. After school hour at around 5 pm, this was the time when coaches and players would rush in the quadrangle to practice. Girls and boys and sometimes gays were also there to see their crushes play. This time was one of the most exciting times of the day for her, aside from recess and lunch times. She was not one of the on lookers. She was the one playing volleyball in the field. The sport she never had an interest at first. She was just compelled to join because she was one of the big girls in the room who the coach hand picked because she thought she would be of help in the court, having an extra weight and height, she could intimidate the opponents. But it was never like that because she was not an ace player, never born to be one. She was satisfied sitting on the bench during actual games, though she was a little bit ashamed of it especially when people call her water girl. But it didn’t matter. She didn’t wish to be in that situation in the first place, so not affected at all. And who cared anyway?

District meet was nearing so all volleyball players, girls and boys, were double timing in practicing. That particular afternoon, she was feeling so bad. Her services were not good; her performance was a justification that she would not be better than a bench player. She couldn’t get her groove while everyone was playing well. She was losing the little confidence she had. Then, he approached her and helped her out. He got the ball and smoothly showed her how to properly receive as well as to return it. He talked like an expert. It was obvious he knew his craft and was very good at it. He gave instruction as if it was so uncomplicated. He made volleyball so easy. She couldn’t remember if it was only her he was teaching or the rest of the team. He looked so handsome, and that’s what mattered. Surprisingly, it seemed weird. She was seeing him every single school day, being in the same section for the last five years, but it was just that day that he began to exist in her world. That day had changed a lot of things in her life. This gave her a reason to be early in school everyday, to try to look prim and proper all the time, to get higher grades and aim for top position in the classroom. Every glimpse, every conversation, every exchange of papers during exams, every time they seated on the same row, every time he gave compliments and congratulations, everything started to be meaningful all of a sudden. She was inspired. She had a crush, a real one. She made “kulot” as his code name so she could talk about him unreservedly with her best friend. He made her school days perfect all the time. He never knew, though his friends noticed. And it ended like that, just like that, but she was happy because she was in love.

Another four years passed. He continued to be this talented-star-player-awed-by-many type of student. Though they went to the same school, all she could do was to stare at him from afar. She’d always want to approach him and say hi, but she never had the guts to do it. She was sure she’ll be dumb struck by his presence. She hated it that he was growing up as a good looking guy. More and more, she was losing hope that he would notice her. Every time she’d go to school earlier, seeing him was a big marvel for her. Their lives were so different, she was striving to be an excellent student, and he was making a name for himself as a viable player. They had different priorities.

One day, she felt she died when she found out he was involved with someone, someone prettier than her. That was like a bullet perfectly aimed at her heart. There were endless crying nights and pathetic moments. It made her insecure and made her question what was wrong with her. It seemed that whatever she worked hard for was meaningless. She lost hope that love really exists. It was her dream to be with him. More friends knew about this. They tried to console her, to cheer her up and to make her realize that she could move on. But they were all wrong. Her heart was the most stubborn heart in the world. She loved him. That’s what mattered. She would wait and selfishly wished that he’d be single again, but it didn’t happen. He was a great guy inside and outside the court. That made her more in loved with him.

When would she move on? That was her sole question. She wanted to stop dreaming that he’s the man with whom she’s going to spend the rest of her life with. More than a decade of loving him was too much to bear. She wanted the hope to leave her alone, but it’s as stubborn as her.

If there’s one thing she learned from this, it is that in high school, love may not be forever.

decisions made

2008-07-28T14:53:00.000+08:00

These past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about some matters.

First, did I make the right decision to let us be “normal friends” again like we used to? I know once I over stepped, things would not be the same. And I am sticking to my decision just to let it go because I stand in what I believe in. When it comes to God, anything becomes non- negotiable. I am happy because I know my Daddy Jess has better plans for me. He will come, in time. And when that time comes, I’ll be one of the happiest ladies in the world. We will grow together in faith.

Secondly, my friend Mike is still in the hospital, fighting his cancer. He had gone to ICU and operation to take out the fluids in his body. We know that he will overcome this trial. He is a living testimony that God really works in mysterious ways and there are really miracles in life. He is a survivor, we are with him in this battle, I am with him. When I pray for him, I can’t help but to cry a lot. I want him to survive this. We still have so many plans once he get out of the hospital and things become as they used to be. I keep on telling him that I am so excited to see him out and healthy again because it will be another life, a renewed life for him. I know Mike will come out as a better man. God is merciful, nothing is impossible to Him and we claim that Mike will be healed. I love you Mike. We all love you sooooo much!!!!! I wish I can spend more time with you in the hospital but I will never stop praying for you, together with our block mates. God is good. Life is beautiful. You keep on thanking us and telling us how happy you are because we are with you. But it is us that are so proud of you, your heart and faith that keep on giving you strength. We love you Mike!

Third, I know it would come to this point that I would regret or maybe feel sad at least about the things, feelings and people I let go in the past. When I heard that he’s back with her, I think, I was kind of asking myself, why am I affected? Well…. It happened already, I can’t do anything about it anymore. Thank God I am happy.

Goodbye for now, Ketsy... see you again... I am going to miss you a LOT!!!

2008-07-14T16:10:00.001+08:00

She’s been a constant companion to me, in school and more in community. When I found out that she’s going to teach abroad, several things went off in my mind. Questions like, who will I seek advice from regarding my personal problems? Who will persevere to invite me to attend the prayer meetings on Friday nights, whenever I feel so lazy and tempted to go out with friends instead of going to the community? Who will cheer me up when I find myself crying all the time? She’s been the sister that I never had… So knowing that she’ll be going, it’s kind of tearing a piece of what I have become because of her. I fear that I would go back to who I was before I met her. The Phnas that was so introvert, so self- centered, a cry baby, and easily depressed. Things might become haywire again.

Tomorrow, she’s gonna leave for States. I spent the last two days with her. I chose to sleep over in her place than going to my Saturday classes. Yesterday, we had a picnic with her. I told her, it’s not her parting that brings me down because I know she’ll always be there for me no matter what. It’s more of being so scared what would happen to me when she’s not physically beside me.

I know that this might just be a test from God, whether if I will make it on my own. I hope I will not fail Him.

It’s true pala na when someone goes, someone comes…again.. Yesterday, I got a surprised call from Keita’s aunt and she told me that Keita didn’t leave the country because his visa wasn’t approved. And I was able to talk to him! Imagine that! And I might just be counting few more days before I get to see him again!...Haaay… God is Great! As always!

2008-07-07T11:37:00.000+08:00

Lately
By: Phnas
Finished on July 7, 2008

Lately, life’s not easy between you and me
Lately, I got lost, chose the wrong path almost
I needed time, wanted to do some things
Trying to get away from regularity
I was happy outside, I know I was
Trying out what it’s like without you by my side

But the feeling didn’t last
I’ve realized, I really need you in my life

CHORUS:

Another chance is all I’m asking
Please make myself complete again
Bring me to life, bring back the pain
But this time, I am sure I can make it through
Because you are with me

Lately I was broken, but now I am whole again
Because you are here.
Because you love me.

2008-06-30T20:32:00.001+08:00

I used to question my friends why couples, regardless of age, suddenly become silly, babyish, immature, and things like that when they talk to their partners. I see it with my brother and his girlfriend, with my co-teachers and close friends (no offense! haha). It was an issue for me, because my perception of being into a relationship is for the two people to become maturer, in terms of the things they talk about, what they do, how they deal with their emotions and concerns, and how to fight for their relationship for it to last, etc. But, i think i overlooked it. I was trapped within the notion that courting for "older" people MUST be serious and mature ALL THE TIME. I stand corrected... well...

What they said was true, that "Phnas, you wouldn't get it, unless you're in that exact situation". Siguro nga....

Enjoy. Weird. Funny in a way. Highschoolish. Kilig.

2008-06-22T22:03:00.001+08:00

My third year of teaching started heavily. I think not only for me, but for my co-teachers as well. Things have changed a lot…as in a lot! People, responsibilities, workplace, relationships and i think also me? maybe.

Before the school year started, i had high hopes that this would be my greatest and happiest teaching year, being my last year of stay in Wordlab, but it seems like, it'd be difficult to realize that now. Sad.

Good thing is, i still have my boys... thank you God!

2008-06-11T15:21:00.000+08:00

Thank you for making me smile in the morning when I wake up…and not letting my day ends without a happy heart…

2008-06-08T22:27:00.000+08:00

In the Shadows of Tears
June 6, 2008
9:35- 10:06am

I remembered those days, when we were together
When we sat back and just laughed, over the same things
Everything was still, everything was still….
But time passes and life changes
The old “us” is now dying away…

CHORUS:
They are leaving me in the shadows of tears
Crying alone, no trusting hands to hold on to
I remain constant where I am
They’re all gone, they’re all gone
Where would I go?
How would I start, living again?
When would I stop, waiting….?

I bow my head in prayer that they’ll all be okay
Lift up everything, sorrows and anger
Help me to accept this selflessly
Don’t feel sorry for my choice to stay
And be happy where they are going
In new places they all call home

Someday we’ll meet again, just like the old times
Fixing the broken pieces left by the aches
I will still be here, happy to welcome you back
To the home where we all grew up

I Will Be Here

2008-06-06T00:03:00.004+08:00

By Phnas: March 25, 2008

1:20 am

Under the clear sky

Beneath the still stars

A song was made

An endless story of you and me

CHORUS:

When I hear the music playing

Melodies being sung

I remember you, the promise I made

I will be here, us, together, forever

The words tell the story of a promise

The melody, like a shelter that gives comfort

Unspoken care, you relentlessly keep within you

I want to tell you, I miss you and

I am just here, I will be here, forever

In a different time, in a different place

We will not be the same persons we both used to know

Lots of things could have changed

But a promise made out of love and care

Will be in us forever until the end of time

I missed blogging!

2008-06-05T22:59:00.000+08:00

Yes, it’s been a while, and I truly missed writing in my blog. So many things happened in the span of more or less than a month. Here’s a quick review:

(not in particular order)

Personal life

I am still single… but there’s more story to it…to be discussed next time.
I still don’t know how to start being a daughter again to my daddy
I am happy though…. But I’ve been prancing around in a particular level of happiness for a while now…I am not yet happier

Spiritual Life

I’m in a crisis right now. The high feeling has surpassed after the retreat and I am again being dragged down to my old ways.
the shepherding is not that working for me, because I resist. I don’t know if this is for me.

Social Life

our Zambales trip pushed thru and it was super successful. So many unforgettable and fun memories were laid up.
I miss my bes.

Career

I’m excited for the coming school year because first, I will see my kids again, second there will be new teachers and I will be the ate and third, I love the workplace more.

Future Plans:

NMAT review is ongoing.
planning to take MT courses for future needs

2008-04-27T07:02:00.002+08:00

yesterday was such an inspiring day and an eye opener! seeing those kids with cancer enjoying the games, the balloons, the magic show, the food and the prayers..despite what they and their parents are going through...haaay...i can't stop thanking Daddy Jess for blessing me with good health and better life.

2008-04-20T01:24:00.002+08:00

It's always like...

situation A: You like this guy, but the guy likes another girl

or

situation B: The guy likes you, but you see the guy as a friend

Ang sakit sa ulo!

2008-04-19T02:21:00.000+08:00

I thought this day was fine. I had dinner with friends. I had fine sessions with my students. But I’ve realized some things that really made me sad and made me feel sorry for myself. I’ve never been hurt like this before. It’s sinking in how I can’t enjoy what I am and what I have.

While in the bus going to the dinner. I was thinking about Keita. I was asking myself why I love that kid so much and I’ve realized that he is one of the reasons why I want to be contented with everything God has given me. I am missing him terribly. I can’t stop crying when I think about him. It could be the struggles I did go through, it could be the effort that I put into, it could be those times where we hugged each other endlessly for every accomplishment he had, for every letter he was able to name and remember, for all those times when he made me smile and forget all the stress teaching had given me, for all those moments when I was really proud of what he became. I miss Keita, and it’s just now that things are starting to be real. That I am not going to see him for a very long time, maybe never again.

The last day I saw him, I had a breakdown when he left. I don’t want to let go of him but I don’t have a choice. He needs to go….he needs to go. Even though he could have left the country already, I’m still holding on to everything and still looking forward for the next school day because I know I will still see him. We will still do the high fives that only the both of us know how to before starting our sessions. But I know at the back of my mind, I know it’s telling me to stop this but I can’t really stop crying and I don’t want to.

I want to give up asking and waiting for answers… the pain that I have to go through is unbearable already…I want it to stop. I don’t want it anymore.

Ass is a sin- AZ

2008-04-08T20:46:00.001+08:00

I’ve been suffering from sore eyes for the past 3 to 4 days now. I hate it because it’s delaying my plan and schedule, but on the other hand, it’s good that it happened because I have a right to be a bum for couple of days. I didn’t go home to Alabang today and did not tutor Andy as scheduled. I told her I can’t make it and just ask her parents for help. Added to that, I reminded her to have fun doing it. And here what she replied: I NEVER HAVE FUN DOING HW B-), IF U HAVE FUN THAT’S A SIN… haha.

Haay si Andy.... Oh how I love her!!!!

want vs need

2008-04-04T14:14:00.002+08:00

It’s my prayer to decipher where I should be heading in a year time. I want to go to med school very much but I need to work and help support my family as well. It’s hard to be in between, really hard! Time is ticking and soon I am afraid that one day, it‘s times up and I need to choose and decide, no turning back and leave it for tomorrow kind of thing.

But more or less, I think God is making His way to let me get and accept the message and his plan for me. The parents I am working with never fail to let me know that I am really helping their kids and that their kids love me. I never had a troubled relationship in any of my students, though lots of rough times if I may say. I treat them as my siblings and as my babies, to be honest! It’s been a very wonderful journey with them. I will not trade this experience of a life time for any material things in this world!

What I think is that God wants me to make a difference by teaching and taking care of these amazing kids with special needs. This insight, which I am trying to disallow and not to let enter my mind is getting more realistic each day, which is really scary for me! Daddy Jess is showering me with offers to teach and handle kids, that these parents are actually, as I may quote “ giving a punch on me” to try to help their kids even if my training and education to begin with is not directly related to special education. It is just so faltering to hear that and to know that I am helping to make these kids’ lives better.

To be honest, I still don’t know, it is just I can’t see myself as a teacher for the rest of my life. Well, I could continue but this should not be the only thing I’d be doing in the future. Maybe, I will go to school and then teach a few kids. I have so many plans, so many things and possibilities to explore. I don’t know, I don’t want to think about it anymore but I can’t help it but to think about it. Oh I hate myself!

With all these things happening, I’ve just realized, I must be doing something right.

2008-04-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

Year 2002, I was first year college then and was sooooo reclusive. I entered UST knowing nobody, even previous school mates in high school. The first day of class, I was lost. You are a freshman if you look so ignorant and missing that you would ask every single student and guards on your way to your class room. You did not care about what the senior students say about you, all you care is not to be late on your first class. That was all you cared about. Thinking back about that brings me the feeling of humiliation. What if those senior students were really laughing at me, that I really looked like a strayed sheep on a huge field? I must have cried then if I was conscious of it, well, that was history!

Anyways, good thing was, I arrived on time, but the problem was, I got in the wrong classroom. My registration form said that I should go to CAL-2 for my Zoology class, so there was an L in the name of the room, so maybe it’s a laboratory since it is Zoology. I got to the main building where a guard, whom I wanted to curse by the way, led me to CL-2, a computer laboratory!!!! Oh gosh! panic mode again. This time, it’s for real because few more minutes I was expecting to hear a bell, like in high school and worst was, what if I got in late for that class, all my new classmates would witness my dramatic arrival and the professor would be mad and things like that were running on my mind.!

Fortunately, that didn’t happen. Well I was late but I wasn’t alone! What a relief! The reason was, I got run into another girl who seemed lost as well, and I soon found out that we were headed on the same class. She happened to be my first ever buddy in USTE. Her name is Anna Margarita Cruz. I call her Marge until now. We were inseparable in our first year in college. We waited for each other going to our first class, ate out for lunch, studied in the library, boy watched together in the field, seatmates and groupmates forever. The two of us basically was considered a clique in that sense. I remembered that I would not go to any GA or parties without her. I would sleep over to their town house behind GMA Network, talked about what music and books we like, our love lives, her family, plan our ukay ukay trips, listen to the Master Showman production numbers on a late Saturday night, that used to happen outside the GMA building (by the way that was so funny!), etc. We would know if we did not like the party and needed to go to a different place to continue to enjoy.

But she transferred to Ateneo the next school year, that was a real shocker! I found myself not knowing how would I be when she’s gone.

More or less 6 years after that, communication and meet ups are cut up. We rarely hear from each other. Our schedule could not meet, she’s busy in med school, my time is eaten mostly by my work and other community activities. Ending, I miss her so much!

That separation opened my door to new friendships. If that didn’t happen I wouldn’t have stood on my own and haven’t started to explore what college life is. I wasn’t secluded anymore by the four walls of my house, school and our friendship. I formed new relationships and was able to survive, hence I was able to experience the things a normal college student must have gone through.

This morning, she texted me and she said we could meet up next week since she is on vacation and I am pretty much too. I am so excited to see her again after maybe 2 years. I think the last time I saw her was days before my birthday back in 2006, when I went to Ateneo to help her out with her study/ thesis then. Well, it’s been a while, let’s see what would happen. Can’t wait!

2008-04-02T14:16:00.002+08:00

*Palm Beach Resort, Laiya Batangas, April 1, 2008, 5:30 am

Karagatan

By Phnas

April 1, 2008

Halika, hawakan ang aking kamay

At tayo’y maglakbay sa kawalan

Tulad ng dagat na di tarok ang hangganan

Magtiwala at tayo’y may patutunguhan

Kalmadong tubig at hangin ang hangad na maranasan

Sa agos ng buhay na walang sakit at pangamba

Hayaang ito ang magdikta ng kapalaran

Pag-asang sa huli, lahat ay magiging ganap

Umapak sa buhanginan, hapdi at sarap ang dulot

Sa bawat hakbang, bigat ng paa at iyong katawan

Pinong buhangi’y nananatiling kaagapay sa paghahanap ng daan

Isang kahilingang huwag ng matapos ang lahat

Ang katahimikan ng puso’t isip na dala ng dagat

Tunay na kamangha- mangha ang gawa ng Maylikha

Isang lugar kung saan maaaring makawala ang mga pangamba

Huminto panandalian ang mundo at lumutang sa walang kasiguruhan

Oras at panahon na igugugol lamang sa paghanga ng isang gawa

Ang alon, ang agos, ang alat, mga buhay na umaasa sa bigay ng dagat

Isang paraisong maaaring pagsimulan at pagwakasan ng buhay

Ialay ang lahat sa Amang nagbigay

Unending Journey

2008-04-02T13:56:00.002+08:00

April 1, 2008

By Phnas

Oh Lord please take my hand

I want to trust you with all my life

Bring me to a place where I can be yours

All that I have, I’m willing to give up for you

To be with you in an unending journey of life

Take me home where love is abundant

Teach me your words and your ways

Help me live my life in faith

Let me offer all that I am

Give me a chance to take this unending journey with you

CHORUS:

Let me walk beside You my Lord

Hold my hands

Carry my burdens

Bless my soul

Lead me to the right way Oh Lord

Don’t let me look back

Be my direction

Be my strength

Help me live with trust

To be worthy to travel

In this wonderful ride

In an unending journey with You

My summer so far

2008-04-02T13:54:00.001+08:00

I was busy. Going from one place to another and meeting friends from high school, college and the recent ones. I spent a lot, bankrupt yet HAPPY. Material things that I lost did not matter too much because I am glad that I gave my time to the people who matter to me.

I sympathize with a friend who is going through a hard time right now because of his illness, his cancer. I was really shocked when I found out about it, just a few days ago. It was so surreal to me, and it affected my day. I could not believe that that was not a joke, that he has a cancer, for real. It really saddened me. The class showed support to him by attending a lunch date last Saturday. It was so moving to know that we are all in prayers for him to be okay, and to be healthy again. It gave me joy to hear from him, words of thanks because this simple act of support gives him courage and strength to face this challenge with positive attitude and high hopes.

This is just a trial that you have to face, with us…. all of us together. You have us. Have faith that you will be healed. Trust and believe. We all LOVE YOU!!!

It was Ael’s 23^rd birthday last Saturday also, one of my high school best girlfriend barkadas. She chose to celebrate it with us in an outing. On a tight budget, we still managed to have fun. I miss them all the time, sobra! Even though we talk about the same things, topics and people every time we meet, still, it always feels like the first time we heard those things. We still get excited, annoyed, embarrassed, angry, irritated, etc. It was also the first time I met her boyfriend for two years now. I am really happy for her because I can see that she is happy and contented with how her life has been so far. It was just sad that most of us in the barkada could not come for personal reasons and because they’re busy. Oh how I hate that excuse! But, what can I do? They have their own lives and their reasons, and I can not blame them for being like that, I just need to understand that.

And that’s not all, the day after that, I was headed to Laiya, Batangas for another outing. This time with my Wordlab School Family. We went to Palm Beach Resort. It was a very relaxing haven. I was able to enjoy a very long day of nothing but appreciating the nature, swimming in the beach, kayaking and snorkeling. Those fishes made me shout a lot of times when they were trying to swim beside me or near me, but it was amazing seeing the corals, school of fishes and other kinds of living things in the sea. At night, Den, Sara, her two nieces and I went star gazing, but unluckily no shooting stars for me. Nice chit chats, laughter, great food, great place and ammenities, new adventures and experiences and unforgettable memories and people are the things that I will recount when I talk again about my summer getaways this 2008.

Thank you Daddy Jess for every single blessing!

A One Day Affair

2008-04-02T13:52:00.000+08:00

By Phnas

April 1, 2008

First time our eyes met

A certain connection felt

Total strangers to each other

Introductions never happened

Stolen stares from a far

But it was illicit

Could not look at his eyes

Could not even speak a single word

A taboo to talk about the feeling

All happened on that one day

Somewhere

A beautiful place

And then silently

She needed to say goodbye

Forget all about this

Pretend it’s a dream

No beginning, no ending

Just a one day affair

That should be gone with the wind

Fireflies! Fire! Light! Burn! Exist!

2008-03-21T11:07:00.000+08:00

I came across this poem in one of Fulghum’s books, I didn’t get the meaning the first time I read it, but it could mean different things to different people, why don’t you deduce what it means also…

I know some people who give off a lot of light. Because they have absorbed a lot of light themselves. They shine. This is not the kind of light you can actually see with your eyes, of course. But there are lots of parts of the spectrum of light we can’t see. We experience the results of its existence. It takes a different kind of looking.

To look this way is to see.

To see is to have vision.

To have vision is to understand.

To understand is to know.

To know is to become.

To become is to live fully.

To live fully is to matter.

And to matter is to become light.

And to become light is to be loved.

And to be loved is to burn.

And to burn is to exist.

Off and On.

My Little Keita

2008-03-19T14:46:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder if my kids would still remember me when they grow up. I think that is one of the worries of teachers, whether they admit it consciously or suppress it, whether they would leave a mark to their students’ lives or not. This is lame! I know! But this is a big issue for me. I want to really hold on to my kids, but of course, reality check! That is not possible, day will come that I have to let go of them, one by one. Just thinking about it, it’s terrible! Believe me!

Being with kids is absolutely amazing, being in love with them and being loved by them is one of the most incredible feelings you could ever feel.

They love you sincerely and naively

They don’t judge you

They don’t care who you are and who you have been

They believe you, even the dumbest thing you’d say, they would agree with it, just like you are the cleverest adult they knew

They play with you and take great pride if you lose to them, even if they didn’t realize it was your intention for them to win.

They are vulnerable, gullible and sensitive

And most of all, they are true people whom you can trust

They are real, what you see is what you get

I envy them, not because of their childhood and their youth

I envy them because they do not complicate things

They are passive with the temporariness of things around them

They are naïve, and all they care is to be happy.

Don’t you want to be a kid again?

Who doesn’t want to?

He didn’t start with me. I was not his first teacher. He is this typical ADHD kid, whom you literally need to chase around the room. Especially in his “hyper” days, you’d find the two of you reading on the couch, spelling while standing on the table, playing while reading, and do activities that would let him expel his energy on something. But despite all those things, I really prayed to God to have that kid. And it happened after more or less 6 months. It was an answered prayer! I became Keita’s teacher. I was so happy then!

His hyperactivity improved and is more controllable as days passed by. His performance in reading and spelling is improving as well. Everything is going smoothly, until last month, I found out that his mom who lives and works in Japan is planning to get Keita and be with her for good. It paralyzed me when I heard that from his guardian! I was asking myself, was this real? Did it really happen? Did I hear it right?

The answer is Yes! sadly, his tita really said that to me.

Yesterday could be the last day that I would ever see him. He was late pa nga, that he called me to tell me he would be late. I love hearing his cute little voice, his tagalong is “matatas” as they would say it, though is a japinoy. I was like his mommy telling him “ oh, maligo ka na dali, para di ka masyado malate, tatapusin pa natin yung arts natin”. And then when he gave the phone to his tita, I heard him say, “ Sabi ni Teacher ligo na daw ako, dali!”. Haaayyy…… One time, I remember while he was eating, he suddenly said, “ Alam mo teacher may naiisip ako!, parang ikaw and mommy ko!”. I wanted to hug him endlessly and never let go of him at that moment. If only I could…

I don’t want to say goodbye to him when he goes to Japan, but he promised me he would call me before he goes. ( naiiyak na ako…..sh*t!).Ayoko na..

Basta, I just pray that someday I’d see and talk to him again. Though, I am pretty sure he would not be the same hyper Keita that I know, pero sana he will be happy in Japan and will never forget me.

2008-03-17T17:09:00.005+08:00

When I was renewed, I knew then that God wanted me to forgive my daddy. And I did. Talking about my family’s imperfection never embarrassed me nor made me feel like less of a person. On the contrary, it sculpted me to become who I am now.

It made me cry and made me question a lot of things, of course. But I couldn’t find the answers from my mom, my brother and from everybody else around me, because this was never the topic of our discussions in the house. It was not really a taboo, but it turned out to be something like that, or maybe we just really didn’t care.

I thought, I should have felt so sorry for myself, but before it gets to that point, God saved me from being like that. Eventually, He made me get through this stage of curiosity and madness smoothly, and before I knew it, I have let go.

I know my daddy loves me so much. He never fails to say the line “You’re my only daughter in this world” with pride, every time I see him. I know I am hurting him more when I intentionally don’t see him on my free days. It pains me as well, because I know I don’t have that same daughterly love I used to have for him when I was his little girl.

Things have changed since I’ve realized the truth about me and my daddy.

Now, I feel guilty whenever I do see him.

My search isn’t over yet, it hasn’t really started. But I know, someday, God will provide answers to my prayers and things will be clearer. I hope, when that time comes, everything would be easier to accept and he would understand.

2008-03-05T10:30:00.004+08:00

What could be worst than starting your day confirming that your prayer and dream of knowing that only person in this whole wide world is shattered already?

I hate this day!!! I hate this day!!!! I hate March 5, 2008!!!!

This is unbelievable!!! ggggrrrrr..... i want to cry but you know how it feels like being constipated, that whatever effort you put in, things don't just happen... it's like that...but way way more agonizing!!!

The Football Match: Phnas vs. Paolino

2008-02-25T22:32:00.001+08:00

I’m a sport- loving person. Though, I don’t play as often as I used to, it’s still in my heart, and the drive to learn new kinds of games is still in me. I love the adrenalin! I love learning new skills! But I think I can’t include it yet in my schedule…not yet… so for now…what I do is…I play those games with my students! Haha…but of course.. it was never a competitive game but only complete fun! Imagine that! (kainis! I need to make them win always..or else they would hate playing with me again and would even cry if I win…hehe).

So, last Saturday, I needed to meet up with Paolino for an extra hour. Since we only had to do reading, spelling and post- comprehension activities, that one hour was more than enough to play football in our conference room. Grabe! He’s the expert on this one so it turned out to be a basic skills training in football for teacher Phnas. In fairness! He’s a good coach…and I was stunned with what a 10- year old could do. Galing! So funny, that I was so into it, that when he was finishing his spelling and reading, where am I? I was practicing my “kicks”, trying to practice making a goal. (The goals were two mono block chairs…how cute could it be?).

That football game was SOOOO COOL!!!!

When things get in order, I will make time to learn how to play this sport..but that time..it will be the real game!

The Retreat

2008-02-24T23:54:00.000+08:00

Spiritually I’ve been refreshed this weekend. I spent one night and one day in a retreat house in Cenacle, Katipunan together with other five community members, rye, peter, Pauline, garet and lynette. The retreat was great. I’ve been telling Kets that it was really an eye opener for me, because God reminded me again where am I spiritually. I admit it that I’m in my down nowadays, I’ve been failing to do my part as a Christian, I ignored my resonsibilities for so many times and made excuses so I would be pushed not to do them. It was my fault, I let temptations and hindrances impede me in doing these commitments I once made. With this retreat, I knew He already forgave me and is giving me another chance to recommit myself and correct the mistakes that I keep on doing that was caused by my faltering faith. God is great! He is a forgiving God! I know He never judged me in whatever way…and I am sure this time, He will help me conquer my weaknesses and that He will help me find refuge to overcome this struggle.

To be honest, talking about this part of my life is a risk for me because I don’t know if my friends and the people who know me would say something about this or anything like that. I demand that you suspend your judgment first. I hope you would join me in my journey as I discover Christ, our God, whom I personally call Daddy Jess!

So as I was speaking, that retreat was kind of short but that night and day were enough for me to accomplish my goal of going there, and that was to know what I could do. I was helpless, I admitted that I could not move forward spiritually unless I accept it that I could not do it on my own, that I need help. I had my peaks and my troughs, and still they weren’t enough to provide motivation and strength on my part.

I surely missed those times that I easily found peace in my heart and my mind in anytime I needed to. I haven’t experienced that for a long time until this weekend. I missed those times with Him. Kaya I was really happy that I was able to give my whole day just for Him and to update Him on what is going on with me. And it felt amazing!

I thank God for the gift of community and friends! I don’t want to imagine how my life would be like without them. I have found my new home! And I pray that you will too…

Don’t stop loving God! Don’t stop loving life! Don’t stop finding happiness! *hugs*

2008-02-22T16:09:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I feel that I’m dumb! Hehe.. well I am not ashamed of it because I think I really am, in so many instances, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d rather ask or admit I don’t know something and feel like a fool for few minutes than pretend, so I won’t be ignorant in people’s eyes and then be a fool forever? No Way!

I am not very well versed with words. I am not an eloquent speaker. I am not a walking- breathing dictionary. I don’t speak with twang. I can’t finish a book in one sitting. My level of appreciation is weird. I can’t retell a story or a movie properly and in detail. I can’t recall the characters and their lines. I think in a disorganized manner, my thoughts are disarray. I don’t really know a lot of famous and important personas in the world. I can’t remember lyrics; I have my own lyrics when I sing. I am not a technical person. I give tangential answers to questions. I can’t remember names. And so on and so forth… things that I am not knowledgeable about, things that I am not good in doing. But, it’s so funny that I feel okay with that, because I know admitting that I don’t know something and I can’t do something make me so imperfect. And I have reasons to learn more.

Now I wonder how, why do people deem that I am smart….that they actually believe that?..hehe

But seriously, it’s so humbling to admit that I am really an imperfect being in many ways…

Loving You Now...

2008-02-18T14:20:00.000+08:00

There’s a reason to smile

For my heart to leap up and shout

Just remembering the past

Thinking and feeling there was something in us

We remained good pals

Throughout the years you were with another friend

I was happy for you and forgot what could have been

I thought everything ended because I was letting go

Still there are times that I come to think

I used to wonder how we could be like

You and I together, would it work out?

If I give another chance to feelings forgotten

Would it be fair to start loving you now?

Saturation Point

2008-02-09T11:36:00.002+08:00

Sometimes if you feel it’s too much already, you have to drop everything that you do and find time to think and be useless for a while. I’ve been struggling for the past weeks. One day I feel so okay then suddenly something would happen that would turn my mood and disposition 180 degrees. Darn! And today is the saturation point of everything, that’s why I stopped. I took a leave and went home. It wasn’t planned. I just felt I badly needed it. I followed what my heart and my mind are demanding. I know this will make me feel better and make me forget…I know because it always does.

My co-teacher Beepsie lost his brother because of a cardiac attack. I really feel sorry for her. I pray that she’ll go through this with faith and courage, but I know no matter what I’d say, it’d still be not enough to make her feel better.

I couldn’t make things better for me, my dad and step brothers. I want them to know how I am, what I do. I want to know how they are and what they do. I haven’t started trying, pero I feel tired already. It’s crushing me…

The first time I was able to have a serious conversation with paolino (my favorite student whom I call “my little prince”).

Pao: You know what, I’m the dumbest boy in our class

Phnas: Don’t say that pao, that’s not true.

Pao: No, it is! I get low grades, and oh eto (as he stared to the ceiling, his mannerism when he talks to me)…uhhmm… how come I can’t read. My classmates they all can. They don’t need to review for a long time for a quiz. Me, I do but I still get low grades.

Phnas: Let’s just put it this way, all of you have different ways to learn. You learn differently from them. Even if you can’t read fast, that doesn’t mean you are not smart.

(this 10-year old boy, as I see him, is a “maparaan” na kid, he can get away with things, he has his way…I can sit down with him and talk endlessly….I loooove talking to him)

Phnas: Paolino, did you get me? You are not dumb. You, being here is one of your ways of learning. I teach you how to read, to spell and to understand more.

Pao: Oh, I have a joke!!! (syempre, tangential ang sagot, serious nga tayo pao eh, eto na naman tayo sa classic Paolino joke mo! Hehe)

(this is one of the things I love about my little prince, he tells jokes, pero he doesn’t know that paulit-ulit lang ang jokes niya, pero I don’t make him feel na I’ve heard them before. But it was not what he says, but how he says that makes me laugh).

Pao: What do you call this? (he was doing his posit joke..you know, “what’s the opposite of posit? Answer: opposite?)

Pero how come…?

Phnas: How come what? (Oh we’re back on track)

Pao: When I was in prep (he looked again to the ceiling), I was solving math, how come I got it correctly even if I didn’t know how to read the direction, that my teacher read to me pa?

Phnas: Oh see! I told you, you are smart, because you knew what to do at that time, you did not need anybody’s help in that particular time to be able to solve the problem.

Pao: Eh kasi I saw the minus sign, that’s why I subtracted it.

But that’s okay, as long as I pass, I don’t care if I get a C or D as long as I pass. (then he smiled).

I wish it’s that easy o be contented, to be happy and to bring happiness. I wish that I could have the heart of a child forever, so it’s easy to forget and move one.

Last Saturday, Gabby couldn’t stay seated and couldn’t stop moving.

Phnas: Gabby what’s wrong

Gabby: (holding his lips) mmmmmm…

(suddenly…)

Oh my gosh!

(He just lost a tooth, and throughout the two-hour session, he was biting cotton with blood…eewww…pero I saw no reaction…. He wasn’t hurt, he didn’t panic, it was like, wala lang)

Ang sarap maging manhid in times when you are supposed to feel hurt…

Last night, I couldn’t stop crying. I just needed to cry. I felt tired doing what I am doing. ON my way to my apartment, while walking on the street, I couldn’t hold my tears from falling, I was supposed to go home but I got home late from the wake. I felt so guilty I wasn’t able to attend community as I had promised. I felt sad that I didn’t see my community friends. I called Kets and I said sorry.

2008-01-28T21:40:00.000+08:00

Alaska won the First Semis Game against the Sta. Lucia in a best of seven series, and I might even watch the Sunday live game….hope matuloy!!!

Novak Djokovich wins the Australian open

(Though I wanted Jo Tsonga to win, okay lang, that was an unbelievable match up naman and I enjoyed it very much!

Though UST Volleyball team had their first elim lost against FEU,okay lang coz I think they can still make it to the finals.. hopefully against DLSU, pero I think it would be FEU…

Life would be so boring without Sports!

Raggs!!!!!

2008-01-28T21:33:00.000+08:00

There is High 5, Dora, Blues Clues and other kiddie shows. Since the Princess Sarah, Cedi and Nelo time, I was never really into this kind of shows anymore, of course coming of age, my preferences changed as well. Until…. I saw this show whose bidas are dogs! And before I know it, I am getting hooked up with RAGGS!!! So amazing to feel like a child again….. I can even talk about it with my 5 year old Austie student….cool!

This show educates kids, there’s a portion where in a cat interviews kids about, well anything..and I enjoy it sooooo much….super cute ng mga kids and the answers they give…Grabe!!! Then before it ends, they have this mini concert where they sing songs that always keeps me dancing with the beat. They, the dogs are the band members themselves! Would you believe that? They sing, they dance, play guitars and beat the drums!

It’s on channel 17, 2 to 2:30 pm, I think everyday they show it.

Enjoy!!!

Pulse Up!!!!

Am I Taking Care Of My Heart?

2008-01-28T00:50:00.000+08:00

Yes!!! because…

…it’s filled with so much love

…it talks to Daddy Jess

…it is innocent and childish

…it is happy most of the time

…it is healthy

…it forgives easily and doesn’t resent

…it appreciates everything

…it is honest

…it feels pain once in a while but

…it doesn’t let pain change the way it is

…it cries when it’s hurting

…it jumps for joy when it’s glad

…it is not selfish

…it is careful in choosing the man to whom it’ll trust

…it listens sincerely

…it is smart in many ways

…it is generous

Tuesdays with Morrie...A Play

2008-01-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

I’ve read the book back in college..I like how Mitch Albom wrote it…simple but in one way or another you could relate to what he ‘s telling in his stories. He is one of my favorite authors. Actually, I haven’t seen the movie back in 2003, I think I didn’t know then that there was. So, when Beepsie told us that we could see the last showing of the play Tuesdays with Morrie by Repertory, gosh! We grabbed it.

And it did happen just tonight. There were only two actors, Bart Guingona as Mitch Albom and Jose Mari Avellana as Morrie Schwartz. They were able to touch their audience, they were really really good. They made us listen, laugh and cry a lot! I didn’t know I would be so in love with their characters this much. I could not remember if I did appreciate them in the book, I really can’t remember, but two things stick into my mind after seeing the play:

First, I am fortunate to have this job, because I know even in my own little ways I am able to touch my students’ lives. I am so proud to be a teacher! I may not be the most knowledgeable, experienced, patient teacher they could ever have…. But I love them truly! That’s what I am sure… and I hope someday they would still remember their teacher Phnas ;)

Second, I’ve realized that I am really happy!

“Dying is sad…but being unhappy is something else”

All of us maybe are afraid to die, maybe because we aren’t sure what awaits us beyond this lifetime. Dying scares me a lot, I hate it because it causes all kinds of pain. I don’t have the courage even to think about it in the first place.

But living an unhappy life is another story. The moment he had said that line, tears started to fall on my cheeks because I’ve realized and I am sure that I am happy. Different kind of happiness I get from the love around me, not from material things but from my family, from my friends and people I know, things I do, the dreams I have and most especially the great love I receive from Daddy Jess. I was just thinking that, oh my! My death would not be a sad one at all! because I am living a happy life!

“When you die, things won’t matter, but the lives you’ve touched”.

I love Morrie! I love theater! I love me! And I love being happy!

2008-01-25T11:24:00.000+08:00

“It is ok to feel scared because it means you still have something to lose.”

AGREE

Feeling scared in the first place makes you a human being…
Feeling scared makes you realize you are blessed…
And feeling scared teaches you to value what was given to you…

“There is no point of telling the truth if it would just cause pain.”

DISAGREE

Being ignorant causes you way more pain…

“The thing that counts most in the pursuit of happiness is choosing the right companion.”

AGREE

It is easy to be genuinely happy if you are surrounded with people you love and care for, with people who love you back and take care of you as well.

“When you start to let go…. Everything becomes a gift”

AGREE

But when would you know when is the right time to let go?
If you know there is a reason to expect something, wouldn’t you take the risk?

Letting go really hurts… so much..
But when you’re done with it….everything becomes wonderful…because you would start to appreciate…

2008-01-20T23:19:00.000+08:00

I always say I am ready for change…to be open for new things. But living up with change is really huge for me. Changing even the smallest thing, simplest habit or attitude towards something is like taking a very big risk. Doing things I am not used to, not doing the normal stuff, being bold not following what’s imperative and hoping for what’s ideal. Gosh! I just hate me! Really! I’m scared what could happen if I can’t do it, if I made the wrong decision in changing one part of me and end up being unhappy. That idea scares the hell out of me! This is unbelievable and unacceptable! I know I am the one whose making my life complicated…All I want is to live simply…but that philosophy of mine makes everything else dense…

My girl best friend, Nica always tells me, that conditioning myself in welcoming new chapters in my life and preparing myself for it isn’t enough, that I need to do something about it. Gosh! I know that…but I just can’t set my one foot forward… and start.

I pray for myself, I pray for this, I pray that God, that Daddy Jess will teach me to grow up and be open to better perspectives and not be afraid to try, commit and fail.

2008-01-19T22:59:00.000+08:00

The friendship...

It was never easy to fight for something really important to you....
To sacrifice a lot for someone who has been a big part of your life...

It has gone through so many unexplainable circumstances...
But it made a choice...the choice to fight for the right reason...

It was contested a myriad of times...
Doubted by the public...
Endured countless battles...
That it almost gave in...

Patience was the key...
It was tested by time...by distance...

Then, things just happened eventually...
The friendship started to grow and mature...

It teaches trust and understanding...
Happiness and contentment...
Unconditional and genuine love...

The story...our lives...the friendship... just go on ... hope till the end of our time

IN and OUT ver.2

2008-01-19T22:10:00.002+08:00

IN

Good Days coffee (all varieties!)
annual physical check up
traffic-free Saturday for me!
seeing Andy again...
Knick-Knacks choco! (happiness!)
NMAT sched...
basketball Qfinals
Amazing Race Asia2
hotcakes!!!!(milky and sugary)
refrigerator at home (haaay happiness ulit!)
seeing him again and feeling really glad that he's ok :)
Beepsie seeing Vito!!!
may readers ang blog ko!!! (thank you..thank you)

OUT

upset stomach
injections...needles...blood..
weighing scale...
letting go of Jed...:(
washing my own clothes...(ouchy! kahit 1.2.3 lang yun, masakit pa dn sa kamay!)
the weather and the season...

2008-01-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

Masarap magkaroon ng mga kaibigan na mababaw ang kaligayahan...dahil kahit corny ang mga jokes ko, may pumapatol pa din..hehehe... at the more important thing is alam kong may napapasaya at napapatawa ako....

be a source of happiness to other people!!!!

2008-01-18T12:17:00.000+08:00

The Battle

“If there is one advocacy I would be willing to fight for, it would be joining the battle of children with dyslexia. To let them be accepted and understood and not be reckoned as stupid, lazy and useless. To help them realize their potentials and the millions of things they could do even if they have this learning disability“ - phnas

When I graduated I never considered working in any corporate setting. It won’t work for me! Coz I easily get bored. I hate doing things over and over again, robotic stuff. I’d just be sick and throw up everything I do and die! Seriously!

I was looking for a kind of work that will give me happiness, new knowledge and experiences, a positive environment, and lots of fulfillment. A kind of job that will make me grow and be a better person. (so ideal!)

I was accepted in a regular prep- school, named Kostka in Katipunan but decided to let it down last minute because I had a good chance of getting another job which I deemed as more challenging, and that is to be a special educator. I took the risk and fortunately I made it and got in. I signed up for a 3-year contract, it’s looong! But I know, that would be a good foundation for something.

Wordlab School:

When I first walked in Wordlab, I felt so small in terms of everything. I was a neophyte trying to absorb and learn their way of living. Believe me, people there are smart and competent. I was the little fish in a very, very, very big pond. I felt really insecure! But I stayed positive and believe I could do this…

I want to talk about so many things that I am learning from my job, the people I work with, the experiences I am having, and my amazing and lovable kids I handled and been handling. Next time….. 

Anyways, I’d like to give you a background information about the difficulty my kids are having. It’s called Dyslexia.

What is Dyslexia?

The b becomes a d. The g changes into a p or a q. Some letters seem to move across the page. Others disappear. For children with dyslexia, learning to read doesn’t come easy. Still, many of them are only too willing to learn.

Dyslexia is a condition that has been likened to many things: being stupid, lazy or slow. Sadly, some dyslexics are made to believe they are. It is none of these. Dyslexia is a learning disability.

Characteristics of Dyslexia
A child with dyslexia:
• Has difficulty learning to read
• Makes strange spelling mistakes
• Confuses letters such as b and d
• Mixes up letters in a word/ words in a sentence
• Has poor sense of direction
• Confuses left and right
• Has difficulty remembering sequences
• Cannot fully understand what s/he has read
• Has difficulty with the multiplication table
• Pays attention to everything
• Has difficulty focusing on a task
• Has difficulty coordinating movements
• Lacks confidence and exhibits low self-esteem

Bloopers

I love my kids soooooo much… for immeasurable reasons. When I am around them, I feel like a child again, a friend to them, their sister, mom and yaya all rolled into one. In short I become Super Teacher Phnas! Hehe.

They make me realize how lucky and blessed I am. They make me cry most of the times not because makulit sila or it’s a challenge to teach them, but because they are making me a better person and making me realize more that I can really make a difference.

But you know the best thing when I am with them?…. They never fail to make me laugh sobra! Here are some samples of their funny anecdotes:

T: (Teacher)
K: (kid)

T: What do you think are bristles?
K: When you’re in a fire, after it you get on your arms…like black color…
T: Ah…bruises!
--------
T: What can you say of people or person who does everything you say and does not complain?
K: Theyare…slaveable!!!
T: When you always obey somebody, you are?
K: Obeyful
--------
K: I am going to a party tomorrow (friend’s birthday)
T: Really? Where? What time?
K: in ATC (Alabang Town Center)…it’s none of your business.

We were about to make an aquarium…
K: Are we making a fish?
--------
Word to read: who
K: /whore/
T: (what!!!???)
--------
K: I have a new book teacher (9 year-old boy)
T: Really! Are you reading it?
K: Yeah! I’m in chapter 900!!!! (wahahahah)
--------
KWL chart (Listing down the things you Know, things you Want to learn and things that you’ve Learned after discussing the topic)
K: (posting a question about Tornado)
K: Why are tornadoes made by God?
T: (Oh my God!)…next question please….
---------
K: Mina, typhoon!
T: Yeah! We have a typhoon Mina.
K: Oh my gosh! Are we gonna die?
---------
While reading : Tonight in the Titanic”
T: What’s happening to the boat?
K: The boat is sinking….group yourselves into….

2008-01-14T22:27:00.000+08:00

Ten years have passed

But you’re still in my heart

Though I think the feelings have changed

But my love for you still remains…

It could have been me…but I am thankful that it was never me because I would not be able to enjoy what we are now if that happened. I am proud of myself that, at last I can look into your eyes without feeling so awkward because I know I’ve moved on. For real…. Thank you God! *whew*

An Issue and the Weather

2008-01-10T11:47:00.000+08:00

I think sibling rivalry never occurred between me and my brother. He was right when he said that we don’t have the usual brother-sister relationship like others do. Sometimes, our insensitivity made our relationship better, ironically. We grew up as independents that we don’t rely with each other most of the time. We can stand up on our own basically.

Nowadays, he shares more time with my mom as they live together in Rizal and me here in Alabang. I just see my mom during weekends and school breaks only and get to spend time with her when we go out and watch movies together. Before, I thought if I live separately away from her; it’ll give her a reason to miss me more, my presence in the house. Pero, I think that didn’t happen. L

Anyways, I feel that the issue of favoritism is beginning to bother me. Oh gosh this is so immature, I know! But it kills me and this makes me cry when I am alone in my apartment. I don’t know pero I hate the feeling. I came to this premise because of two things: first, she doesn’t prepare meals for me but she does with my brother, all the time. (I told you it’s so immature!). And to think na that is my only chance to savor “real meal” when I am at home because I don’t cook here and prepare good meals for myself. And secondly, she doesn’t treat me like she misses me.(haay…). In short, I’m jealous with the more attention my brother gets and I am pathetic! Haha.

Coping mechanism: I just think that it’s the weather that I have been feeling this! *shit*

How would the year 2009 change my life? hhmmmm

2008-01-05T15:47:00.000+08:00

2009 will be a great year for me and my family, and I am really really excited about it, for the following reasons:

First, my contract in Wordlab will expire

Second, I will go back to school to study post-graduate courses or med if feasible by then

Third, I’ll be 24!

Fourth, I could get my new apartment unit in Quezon City and reside nearer my mom and brother, and say goodbye to Alabang, which has been a wonderful place talaga.

Fifth, I will get the job that I once dreamed of getting

Sixth, we will transfer to our new home here at San Mateo and start a new life! Just me, my mama, kuya and aunt

Seventh, endless reasons to be happier!

2008-01-05T02:31:00.000+08:00

Question: Who do i want to meet?
Answer: Joachim “Sonny” Thoss!!!! ( "The Boss")

My gosh! Like 4 years ago, the first time I saw him on TV ( well I noticed him kasi he was one of the “kalbo guys” on court), he was just a rookie in the Alaska Roster and now his built has really improved a lot and that made him a stronger and better center at 6'7". He has this angelic and tamed looking face but when he is on court, astig!

Just today, against Talk N' Text, he scored his career high in this conference in rebound! Amazing!

Sana in one of the live Alaska Games i could see him and have an autograph!

Haaay..i could die after that!!! hahahaha. It will be like dream come true ang happiness ko nun!!!

Sobrang crush ko talaga siya!

Because FYI: When I saw Tim Cone (Alaska Head Coach) in Alabang Town Center, I was like super star struck and couldn’t help giggling. That was embarrassing! Really! coz people started to notice it! How come pa kaya with Sonny Thoss? I don't care!!!haha

My first poem

2008-01-02T05:14:00.000+08:00

Time Parameter of Love

By: phnas

January 2, 2008 (3:49am- 4:03am)

Time ticks frantically fast

It will not pause nor end for you

Time moves at a rate that won’t last

It will not change nor bend for you to get through

But time doesn’t exist when I’m with you

All I care is to be owned by your arms

Everything stops, everything is on hold

We are the only people who exist in this world

Our love has its own time parameter

Our hearts can dictate if we want it to move

It can chase the rhythm of our breaths

It can dance with the tempo of our heart beats

And it can finally slow down if we are ready to rest

I won’t panic, I won’t get scared

If along the way I get lost in another lifetime

Because time travels in a borderless universe

And even there, our time parameter of love stays

2008-01-01T20:24:00.000+08:00

six more days before i go back to work...
eight more progress reports on the go...
plus ten more remedial plans as well...
I am procrastinating!!!!!!

and i haven't finished reading my JD Salinger book pa :(

these are the kind of days that really passed me by without notice...
because my mind is so crammed with endless stuff to do, trying to beat my deadlines...

Slow down and live

2008-01-01T02:15:00.000+08:00

Year 2007:

I wished for the graces of tears and patience. And indeed! I’ve gone through a lot of waiting and weeping times. Si God talaga, grabe! Well, maraming reasons, iba-iba, but mostly personal ones. I’ve been waiting for my aspirations and prayers to come true. I know I am patient pero when He tries you, ay iba talaga! Basta di ko maexplain, ang strict Niya! Pero He never failed to provide things I should be asking first, He knew when I needed things, and HE NEVER FAILED ME!!

Year 2008:

But this year, I am giving it a second thought if I would ask for the same graces(hehe) because it’s really hard to face the challenges. I knew there were instances na I shut down and couldn’t handle the things he had given me. I don’t know pa pero for this year the thing I would want to do is to give myself time to slow down and live my life.

Happy New Year to me and to my loved ones!!!!

mama, kuya thobby, tammy, jep, pauline, mommy
daddy, kuya elec and kuya eugene
all my friends and people who know me

2007-12-31T02:41:00.000+08:00

why can't some people grow up???
i mean (when maturity becomes directly proportional to their ages)
just so sad.... :(

My Best Coping Mechanisms of All Time

2007-12-28T00:49:00.000+08:00

1. when someone irritates me

smile lang and pretend that person doesn’t exist, I take it as a challenge

2. when I am getting frustrated with what im doing

stop for a while, breathe and then start again

3. when someone is so madaldal and it’ll be rude to let her/ him stop

nod lang ng nod and pretend I am all ears

4. when I feel so lazy

I hibernate (no text, no call, in short I don’t exist!)

5. when I’m feeling so stressed out

I take vitamins and stress tabs!

6. when I don’t feel like talking

I hide! (weirdo!)

7. when I have no time to make lesson plans

recycle the previous LPs! Hehe

8. when I feel that my mind is so active

I write down my ideas kahit sobrang mapuyat ako

9. when I feel like giving up

I give myself a break or treat myself (basketball is my therapy)

10. when napikon ko si kuya ko

maghahain ako ng lunch at dinner niya! At magpapaalila…huhuhu…it works!

11. when I can’t concentrate and pray

I keep quiet pero nakakatulog ako…bad….tsktsk

12. When someone is getting on my nerves

mas nagiging patient ako…naks!

13. when I miss my bes

I view his profile or text him I miss him

14. when i'm stock in traffic

haaay…the best time to daydream!!!

15. when I feel like crying because madrama ang palabas

I go to my room and then cry

16. when I feel like crying

I cry a lot, burry my head under the pillow and then cry until I get tired and fall asleep

17. when I need to review for a major exam or finish reports

I sleep at daytime and work during madaling araw

18. when I can’t hide my kilig

I giggle in silence…ahihi

19. when I can’t resist eating a lot especially pag may seafood

haaay… drink a lot of water..then I’ll feel bloated and then mahihiya na akong kumain pa ng mas madami.

20. when my insomnia strikes me

dvd marathon of my favorite tv series…..

To be continued…. this is fun.... :)

A Mass for the Sumilao Farmers

2007-12-24T01:42:00.000+08:00

The 7^th night of simbang gabi in Ateneo was held for the Sumilao farmers of Bukidnon. I was so lucky to be there and witness it. I was with Ketsy and 4 other community members who also attended the mass in lieu of our Friday night Prayer meeting.

That was such an experience for me. Ironically, I felt awesome to set foot on Ateneo and be part of the Atenean community for just few hours. The people, the mass, the environment were surreal. I once dreamt to feel that feeling and it came true at that moment.

Anyways, the Sumilao farmers walked from Bukidnon to Manila to fight for their right to have the 400 hundred hectares of farm land which is now being run by an international company. They walked 1,800 kilometers on foot just for the government to take notice of them and actually hear them.

The mass was held in Ateneo because the study was started by a group of students from the said school. The Jesuit priests are supporting them in this fight for right not only for the farmers themselves but also for the future of their families.

The homily given by Father Weng, the head of the Jesuit community in the Philippines, told the people why one of the farmers was convinced to take part in this battle. That farmer’s reason was that when he saw his nine-month old son, he knew that he needed to do this for his kid’s better future. That was really touching that made me cry. That was a realization for me that these things happen in real lives. That battle can be won with love and support. At that moment, I felt that my spirit was with them. That was really moving!

The mass’s collection was offered to the farmers as well as the sales coming from the statement shirts being sold by the students. I am really grateful that even in prayers and in my simple ways, that I was able to be a part of their battle. I really hope that the government will hand them their land.

2007-12-24T01:39:00.000+08:00

My family isn’t the typical one. I live with my mom and my one brother. I have two other half brothers that stay with my dad in Manila. Since I was born it’s my Kuya Thobby I was with. We grew up together under one roof and under the care of our mama alone.

This holiday season will be a more special one not because we’re gonna celebrate it in a different way but it will be a thanksgiving celebration in a way because most of this year has been hale and hearty year as far as my brother’s health is concern.

The start of 2007 was ghastly for us, me and my brother spent the New Year in the hospital for the first time away from our mama, lola, 2 cousins and tita amy. He was in and out of the hospital because he was diagnosed to have vasculitis, an auto immune disease caused by hepatitis and stress according to the doctor. That was the longest time we were together and the first time I actually took care of him. During that time, I couldn’t help but think of the possibilities that anything could happen because his state was pretty serious and anytime I could lose him. I was really afraid then and couldn’t imagine how my life would be if that dreadful thing would happen.

It’s hard to illustrate how am I with my brother, maybe this letter would explain it.

A letter from my Kuya Thobby, dated July 13, 2005

A pleasant day to you my wicked sister. What can I say? Well, I know, we’ve been into rough and smooth times, and I know we don’t have the typical brother and sister thing just like other common people. Although we share things and we bond sometimes especially if I have topak… but this doesn’t mean we don’t have a good relationship right?

It is just that, we seldom see each other and we seldom have the opportunity. We were brought up as survivors and independents, that’s why very often we rely to one another. We are very secretive and insensitive sometimes.

But that’s what we are and its hard to change it now. On the other hand I’m grateful that you become what Mama wanted you to be and I’m proud that you have grown fat (hehe) joke! I mean you have grown to a fine and responsible Viva Hot Mama! No kidding!

I thank you for being there with me especially when I needed you most, you may not know it but honestly I really appreciated those small things.

I wish you all the best in your career and I pray that you’ll be happy and contented in life. I am always here if you need me, juts don’t hesitate especially if it’s a serious thing. I am also facing a hard time this past few days and I’m trying to overcome it.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that, things just come and go without premises, things change and things sometimes turn to be unfair, but no matter what happens at the end it is still you who need to decide and choose for your own fate. I hope you will choose the right thing.

What more can I say?

Thanks for being my one and only Candy.

God Bless.

I love you!

Gwapong Kuya Thobby

2007-12-17T10:57:00.000+08:00

I feel bad...
I planned that i would try to complete simbang gabi this year....
But it turned out that i needed to stay in ALabang until the 20th...
I could have attended mass in a nearer church there...
But i don't know the place that much and not familiar with it...
Iba pa din pag sa San Mateo ako mag simbang gabi...

Sayang talaga...
:(

Things to do during the Christmas Break

2007-12-17T10:56:00.001+08:00

8 Progress Reports

10 Remedial Plans

(akala ko ba BREAK???gggrrrrr)

Finish a Clique Series book (thanks Andy!!!)

Write more songs and articles on my blog (yippee!)

Try to exercise and go to the gym (haay life!)

Sleeeeeep…. (this is life!)

Reunion in Batangas (sana matuloy!)

Costume Party in Living Hope (Who will I be???)

Go and visit my daddy and kuyas (tampo na sila sa akin talaga!)

Meet with Anapot! And have some girl bonding activity… (Nail Spa sounds good!)

WATCH PBA GAMES!!!! (alleluya! finally!)

Experiencing Avenue Q

2007-12-17T10:44:00.000+08:00

RCBC Plaza,Carlos P. Romulo Auditorium that could sit more or less 300 people at 8 pm last night. I was with Den, Sara, Les, Esh and Migen. One of the last gimmicks among wordlab barkada before the year ends. We were on the 2^nd row front seat like 5 feet from the stage, was this the best seat ever or what!!!. Aiza Seguerra, Rachel Alejandro, Joel Trinidad, were some of the actors who performed. It was directed by Carlos Garcia and lasted for almost 1 ½ hours. And I enjoyed it very very very much! Though some parts are rated PG!hehe… you know…

My brother loves theater, that’s his passion. He used to act at UP and CCP, and now directs plays and leads a theatrical group here in San Mateo. I watched him be a taong grasa and portrayed other characters.

I didn’t know I would love theater too. I appreciate it a lot! Maybe runs in the blood, pero ako more on nag-aapreciate lang. I can’t act. I am a boring actor, ang happy and sad expression halos pareho lang. hehe. I won’t pass any audition.

Well, mabibilang pa din with my hands how many plays I’ve seen and next year I plan to save more money para makapanood ako ng iba pang broadway plays.

Next target: Cinderella!!!! (soooooo excited)

Knowing HIM through Living Hope

2007-12-10T00:50:00.000+08:00

Being in Wordlab School is indeed a blessing in disguise because it served as an avenue for me to be involved in a Christian community, where I know has been changing my life a lot spiritually and as a person.

I really wanted to share this part of me here in my blog but I was concerned at first, well until now, if I could tell you its story in the way it’s supposed to be told and give it the proper justice it should have. Well, no harm in trying!

My History in this Community

Alvin, a good friend, whom I met during a DAYS retreat back in my senior year in college was the one who invited me to attend a Friday meeting in Rockwell, of course my first reaction was “I am busy and I have plans this Friday na, sorry”. But that was a lie (hehe), because I assumed that oh no this would be another community who does things in exaggerated ways, the way I see it on television. So the second time and the third time….still, no thank you! Maybe next time ang drama ko. But he was so persistent in inviting me, to the point na he was discussing already the mission and vision and the things they do there. Oh my! Did he just give me a lecture? Hehe, so sige na nga, let’s give it a try. And besides nakijoin force ang one of the big bosses ng school in inviting me, so as a good employee, and I was newly hired then in the school, I could say na medyo napilitan ako… (love you ketsy!)

I was shocked how warm the welcome I received from the people in this community. These people whom I met like few minutes before lang that same night. Diba sometimes, you would just be comfortable with a person kahit you don’t know the reason at all. That’s what happened to me. Maybe, it was their genuine smile and appreciation that I took time on a gimik Friday night to see what they do for God.

The First Friday Prayer Meeting

There was the introduction part, saying Hi! to everyone and eating a snack while waiting for other members to arrive and for the prayer meeting to start. Past 8pm, we went up to the room where they hold it, there was some kinda band stuff being set up, I was hearing beautiful voices and hearing the good, holy music. I like that! Then, it began.

Five charismatic songs were sung. The lyrics were being shown on the projector so sing along lang ako, and in fairness, ganda ng songs. Parang I can relate ang reaction ko. After the last set of song, there was this part na, ay tapos na! Tapos, Ketsy whispered something like, “don’t be surprised ah”. OK what does that mean? And then I heard let’s give love to everyone! And then people started walking from one row to another and started hugging and kissing each other on the cheeks, as in all! Male or female!So na shock ako! I don’t know them! It’s really awkward to do that, but they were the one who approached me and welcomed me in that gesture! Well, it ended up naman na di ako masyado na ilang because I just had beso beso with the girls. The men were gentlemen talaga so hand shake lang.

After that, there was a short talk about a certain topic and bible verses were read. And after that was sharing part where people go infront and talk about the blessing they have received and how God is blessing them Basically, any topic can be opened up dun. Makukulit ang mga tao! As in! makulit na cool!

I felt really welcomed, so since then I started attending. After two months, I had a retreat and commit myself to be a member. My only duty then was to attend Friday prayer meetings on a regular basis. Then nagging disciple na ako and then servant. Galing!

Now, one year and four months na ako! Yey! Congrats to me! And endless years to come pa!

HE is our GOD…

I am loving God now the way I never imagined I could. I am not a so religious person who’s good in everything and to everybody. I’m still a human being who could not resist temptations and sin a countless time. Pero the big difference now is that I have a God whom I know is there for me and who will take care of me. Life becomes so much easier with Him in my heart. Trials become so petty sometimes because of that trust to His promise na everything will be alright. I have someone to whom I can lift up all my burdens and worries in life. I have a daddy and a friend whom I can share all things about me. I feel safe all the time wherever I am and wherever my loved ones are. My life is ok with Him and I am happy because of Him and his love for me.

Now, I want to be able to give to HIM all in me..to be able to fully trust Him with my life and to worship Him everyday of my life. I want to worship him and sing songs for Him all the time. I am so much amazed and thankful that He is my God!

The enchanted-pig-out date

2007-12-04T09:24:00.000+08:00

First day of December, I just had five students in 8 hours straight! An impulsive movie invitation from an ADHD teacher was such a great plan. At 4:30 we started packing and preparing for a wonderful girl-to-girl bonding ahead! Oh my! What a way to end an arduous day indeed!

On the way to Alabang Town Center, more or less a 20-minute walk from the office, beepsie and I had a good chit-chat. At first, to be honest I had apprehensions if I could jive with her flamboyant personality because that’s not exactly me, but the more times I spend with her, the more I realize that she could be a really good companion. And ironically I feel really comfortable with her.

We talked about her life, her annulment, her husband, their adopted child and how she copes with everything that’s going on with her. It’s just amazing that despite this difficult time, she still manage to laugh and be genuinely happy. Bow ako sa kanya dun talaga. I may not really know her but I pray na sana, she’ll be okay, especially inside.

Anyways, the walk was marvelous, the December cozy weather was fantastic as well! We bought tickets the moment we arrived and had Quickly (oh so yummy! With extra nago!) and some chips and chocolate (for her lang! really tempted but no!). Oh and yes, I also saw Ryan Agoncillo in the Candy Shop (ok not so papable! Dedma lang…hehe).

The movie we saw was Enchanted… and in fairness the movie house was packed, as in standing room. Before it started, I couldn’t take my eyes away from the popcorn man, Well I was not staring at the man who was selling popcorn but to the stuffed pop corn bags he was holding. Syempre di ako nakatiis and told beepsie, “im so sorry but I need to buy those popcorns”, my EQ is really low talaga when it comes to pagkain… and guess what? I was surprised when I found out that she was thinking of the same thing too! Wahaha! So we ended up buying two pop corn bags with different flavors, white cheese and barbeque (yum!yum!yum!). Ok, that was heaven! As in! Sabi ko nga sa kanya if every weekend would be like that, hay naku I’ll be really super duper happy talaga!

I don’t want to talk about the movie, not because I didn’t like it, but because I don’t know how to make a sort of a movie review. Basta all I know is that the best part of it is Patrick Dempsey…a.k.a McDreamy! And while watching the movie, parang I had a right to daydream na naman….haay…

There’s one line that he said that made me sad lang that: “Fairy tales and they live happily ever after don’t happen in real life”.

Sana di yun totoo kasi I believe in that and I always wonder what my fairy tale story would be.

2007-11-26T01:50:00.000+08:00

Four times a week I see this wonderful teenager that I’ll just call AZ. She’s my tutee for more than a year now. We’ve been through a myriad of crying moments when she finds it hard to understand things and when she feels like giving up doing what she hates the most…studying.

And that is the exact reason why I can’t let her go, I tried to but it was a hell, deciding whether to stay with her or have more time for myself and knowing that she might find it harder to survive school without my help if I do so.

And God just solved this dilemma in whatever ways I couldn’t explicate. All I know is that I woke up one day and realized that I need to stay with her.

I can’t say that all the days we sit together are fine. Solving odious math problems, reviewing for her quizzes or just chatting around about her family, my work, our friends, or whatever it is, just having fun are the things we do. Sometimes, I want to give up and just tell her I really find it hard to endure the weariness, but just seeing her smile or cry in front of me, I just realize that I am the one who could give more, and I have no reason at all to whine.

I treat her as my sister, the same way she treats me. We never called ourselves teacher-student names because we know that our relationship surpasses that level.

In 2009, I have plans and one of them is to continue my schooling. I know that means giving up my tutorials, and I just can’t imagine the day that I would tell it to her. It will truly break my heart.

Anyways, last night she asked me to read her assignment in religion. Her teacher asked her to make a poem about God and this is what she wrote. After I read this, I was really proud of her because I am seeing a better her.

I wish someday you can read this Andy. I really love you so much.

My Little Prayer

By: AZ

One rainy day

I found my self kneeling on my bed to pray

This is what I say

Dear God

First of all You are the best

And the greatest God You are among the rest

There is no one like You because I truly love You

As days pass by I no longer cry

Thank you for your happiness

My tears are miles away

Because I am in a better place

Where friendship has come my way

My troubles and my sadness has found me no more

I’m walking through a different door

I know You have reasons

A reason for my life

And for my tears during those last few years

To make me better and stronger person

That will have less fears

And as life goes on

More troubles will come

And decisions we have to make

As our journey take place

In this world You made

Thank You for this humungous family I have

And that we are close most of all

And all the fun times I have with them

They are there when I fall

They may be weird when they are hyper

But I never get bored

And I love them all

Thank You for all the things You’ve done for me

And all the things and blessings You’ve given me

This is my little prayer for You from me

Last of all thank You for taking care of me

IN and OUT

2007-11-22T13:10:00.000+08:00

IN
Christmas list/ Divisoria
high school and college reunions
new cellphone on the way
a new house and lot under my name
2 more weeks before 2nd trimester ends
Wordlab Alabang Christmas party
attending Community again
Winning the Amazing Grace 2!!
Christmas Gifts
seeing my half-brothers and daddy

OUT
tight Christmas budget
arranging class reunions
not seeing my kids in one month
monthly due for the house
additional pounds on Holidays

2007-11-16T10:09:00.000+08:00

My Savior
November 11, 2007
By: phnas

Don’t give up on me
I need you so badly
You are the only one
Who can take out the pain in me

CHORUS:
Please stay beside me
Forever if you could
Coz I’m not safe without you
You’re the one that guides me through
Keep your caring arms around me
Coz with you my world isn’t blue

People may come and go
They may love or hurt me so
But I don’t worry if these happen
Coz there’ll be a hand to catch me when I fall

CHORUS:

I may no longer see you
To hug you tight
And cry beside you
To tell you all the worries I have inside

But I just look at the sky
Knowing that you’ll see me
Your love keeps me alive
But wherever you are….

CHORUS:

Please stay beside me
Forever if you could
Coz I’m not safe without you
Coz with you my world isn’t blue

Letting go...

2007-11-16T10:05:00.000+08:00

The hardest of part of loving someone or liking someone is the fact that there’ll come a time that you have to let go of the person and the feelings. It sucks! One of the disgusting feelings I don’t want to experience, if I have an option.

Many times I’ve done this, but it’s still hurtful and frustrating. I find it somehow unfair why I have to understand things like this. But sabi nga ni God, “trust in Him make things easier to understand”. So maybe, I am not yet giving Him my full trust.

I want to live the kind of days where I won’t worry about the things I gain, I lose, I give up and I let go. And I will just be happy, contented and be more grateful to accept what and who He gives to me.

2007-11-09T13:48:00.000+08:00

I came across this book last night (thanks to beepsie...), and i just want to share some words from it.

Excerpt form the book : Ten Eternal Questions

Question: What has life taught you so far?

By Jools Holland

…although I learn all the time, I don\t really know a lot.
…things don’t work out if you try too hard
…people can only do what they can do
…it is important to know when to say the right thing and when not to say anything.

By Frei Betto
…There is no salvation other than love

By Michael Radford
…When one is young, life is full of infinite possibilities. You can imagine yourself as different things. You continue to do that until one day, you wake up and you say “Oh my God, I am a teacher, this is my life, this is the one I have chosen.

By Farah Pahlavi
…I have learned not to feel sorry for myself. Life is a struggle for everybody.

By Alfredo Guevara
…Life has taught me that it is very hard, sometimes tragic, but that is worth living.

By Mangosuthis Buthelezi
…The journey on this Erath in life is a mixture of sweet and bitter, and that we also suffer…

By Peter Ustinor
…Life has taught me that it’s a wonderful adventure

By Ed Begley Jr.
…Life’s taught me to live simply

By Sharon Stone
…Life teaches you to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again…

By Filipina Santos
Life surprises me every single day. It’s too much for me to comprehend in one lifetime, but so far these are the things I have learned for 22 years…

To have faith… Faith to God makes impossible things possible. I don’t think I can survive all the hardships without His love and guidance whether I ask it from Him or not. He knows. As long as I have his protection, this life is manageable.

To welcome change… Change is constant and nothing is constant. Living things grow and develop. Places will not be the same in few years. People who used to be important may not be important in the future. People change and the way you treat life is changing as well.And that’s a good thing because… life has taught me…

To never give up trying…. So I made a mistake, I made a wrong decision, so what? It’s not the end of the world. There are inestimable chances out there, so much time to be spent with whining and depression. If I failed once, it doesn’t mean I will be a failure forever. Remember, change is constant.

To recognize what I feel….This makes me sane. If I am happy I am happy. And if I am lonely, I identify the feeling, I cry and cry until I get tired. It makes a hell of difference. We have different ways of doing this, and it doesn’t matter as long as you let it out.

To be glad because I am so blessed …I wasn’t blessed with a complete family, but my mom and brother do fill out the pieces of the puzzle for me. I am proud to say that I never thought of rebelling because I know it’s just a waste of time and I have so many things to enjoy. Things that God has given me, friends, my talents, material and immaterial things around me. The mere fact that I am still enjoying life is a blessing, everything in me is a blessing.

To dream big… Before I imagined myself to be a lawyer like my dad, to be a beauty queen. Now I want to be a doctor, to be a successful businesswoman, to own an orphanage and be a UNICEF volunteer or WHO doctor who would go to Africa and different poor countries in the world. I wouldn’t mind if I can only achieve one of them. Not bad!

To be a social being… I was a self-confessed introvert. But when I felt that it’s lonely to be just on your own. I tried to find ways to connect with others. And it works! Through the process of socializing, I am learning as well. How to adjust to different kinds of people, I know to whom I will invest myself emotionally and to appreciate their differences.

To be in love with myself… People can’t love me fully if I don’t know how to love my own self to begin with, to accept my imperfection and to be proud of what I own. Once I am done with that, it’s much easier to love others.

To trust Him that my life will be better… I look forward to my future with optimism because I know He will never give up on me and that eventually all things will be ok. That one day, I will face Him and tell him proudly that I lived a great life because I lives it with Him.

2007-11-08T18:58:00.000+08:00

I can't predict how will i feel the next day... i wish i could.. para happy, inspired and contented everyday.... Sana may magic akong ganun...

2007-10-31T17:43:00.000+08:00

what i love about holidays is that i am able to have time...to sleep, to do nothing, to clear up my mind from anything, to just be silent, have a peace of mind and be "senti" once in a while.

2007-10-31T00:26:00.000+08:00

God's just like radio waves, He is all over the place, it depends on you whether you will tune in to Him or not, but He's just around........that's for sure....

people always leave

2007-10-30T12:04:00.000+08:00

Last night, I found out that one of my best friends has plans of leaving the country before the year ends. I never expected that, well she told me about it few months back but never imagined this to be imminent.

I hate the idea that people always leave.

I know she has her personal reasons and it is for her own growth. I am proud of her for taking this bold step. Better opportunities are waiting for her for sure. I just pray that everything will be okay.

I will surely miss her…

the "kalbo guy"

2007-10-29T00:29:00.000+08:00

Almost all of my close friends know that I really have something with “kalbo” guys. I don’t know but it’s really a turn on for me.

Part one: the set-up

More or less six months ago, my boss then in Alabang was trying to set me up with her former student who is kalbo and single. He just came back after years of studying. I was excited with the thought that if this would happen, it’s gonna be my first ever real date (yah..yah..i’m a late bloomer with this matter..though I’m proud of it rather than ashamed). Anyways, to make the long story short, the set-up date never happened. I was disappointed in a way, but I knew he had his reasons.

part two: meeting him

After more or less six months, I finally met this “kalbo” guy, who turned out as a cutie J. There was this dinner held by the school, where he is one of the board members. The boss was reminded again about this planned set-up through a friend of mine (thanks to leslee….i hate you for doing this..but I love that you did!). We were introduced but I couldn’t look at his face and just ended up saying hi in the air. I was too bashful about it and I regret it, I swear. But honestly, if that scene would happen again, I’d probably do the same thing, because that is just like me.

I went home that day so kilig….

The next day, he showed up again in the hotel where the conference hosted by the school was being held. He went to the same room where I was because his friend was about to give a speech. I knew it was him and that perked up my mood and made my day lovelier. Still, I didn’t dare to look at his face for even one second, because I really couldn’t. I didn’t want him to get this impression about me that I was flirting with him, though that was my intention (hehe).

After the second day of the conference, most of the people were waiting outside for whatever reasons they had. And he was there too talking to teachers and other friends. I just love the idea that he was just around and I could have a reflection of his profile. Ofcourse, I was kilig again.. but that was just it…hanggang sulyap and being kilig…

Part three: the sad part, good lunch and Tken

Before the part three happened, I was informed that “kalbo” guy has a crush on somebody, whom I don’t know who that person is, and that brakes my heart.haay...

The conference was finally over, and in fair ness very successfully done (congrats Wodlab!!!). We decided to have lunch with this boss that we truly, really miss so much! It was a good lunch, we had good food, good talk, about us, our kids, the conference. Oh I miss Tken again….haaay…

After an hour or so, few more bosses came and joined us. One of which was also the former teacher of this “kalbo” guy. We were talking and talking and then somebody just told the whole world that I have a crush on this guy. I must have felt embarrassed, normally I would, but I did not because it is true. No reason to deny it.

Part four: The dilemma

Here’s the thing, I really want to know this guy because I am attracted to him, but I don’t know how. I am too cowardly to do anything to get in touch with him. I just can’t do the first move, that’s it. I really wish I could.

There is something in me that tells me, why not take this chance. I am afraid that I’d be disappointed and be hurt again, so I choose to play safe.

If nothing happens in the next few weeks or months, maybe that’s the answer I am waiting. That this chance isn’t really for me, that this story won’t have another chapter.

playing with the rules is fair enough for me

2007-10-29T00:27:00.000+08:00

More or less five years from now, I want to be a wife, a happily married wife. I kinda picture myself, how would I be like when that time comes. It’s amazing because I know I will be a good one, that one I am quite sure.

But who’s gonna be my husband, is a different thing. The status could be like…am still waiting.

I’ve met a few guys whom I prayed and dreamed to be that guy I can be with for the rest of my life, but so far, not so good. They just come and go, which really makes me sad and think twice what could be wrong. I try to figure it out, the reasons why it never came to a point that it was mutual or serious enough to be called a relationship. It’s either they are not available, good for just pakiramdaman or too immature to be in a relationship. It’s always me investing the feeling, but they’re the one who profit from it. Now let’s talk about unfairness!

The thing is, I’m too conservative when it comes to this kind of thing. I am not a fan of flings (no offense…), but I just don’t believe in that. If I would be with someone, for sure it’ll last.

I never learned my lesson though, so many times it happened, just the same story, me falling in, hurting for a long time, falling out with a broken heart. I am just too stubborn and unaware of the rules of this game. The thing is I stick with the rules.

I may not be gaining anything from this, but playing it fairly is a reason enough for me to believe that one day, I’ll be meeting my prince charming.

2007-10-29T00:13:00.000+08:00

This week was pretty ingenious indeed because I was able to write few songs that usually takes weeks to be done. Maybe I was inspired, oh right… let me rephrase that one, maybe I was too emotional.

My dream is that one day, these words will be sung with a melody, I am not yet sure who will do it for me.

I Don’t Wanna Be a Stranger
Oct. 19, 2007
by: phnas

How would you feel when one day you’d wake up
Like everything’s different and astray
The brightness of days is hiding
All things make you feel afraid

I don’t wanna be a stranger
To my world that gives me comfort
To the people I love and care for
I don’t wanna be a stranger
To the places where I’ve been
To me, the self that I know

I wanna see who I really am
No more lies and pretensions
No more wanna be somebody else

I wanna be the person
Who’s sure of what she wants
Who’ll accept who she really am

It’s never too late
To start to know who you are
Saying goodbye to the stranger
Will make you a better star
That will shine amongst the rest
Amongst everything you believed were the best

Everyday is a Different Day
October 22, 2007
by: phnas

Another day
Another story
Another chapter to be unfolded

Don’t be afraid
To face this day
Good things are on the way

CHORUS:

Everyday is a different day
With new chances to take
Don’t worry it’s never too late
To fix all your mistakes
Everyday is a different day
No time to bring back the past
Move on, it’ll lighten up your path
And be where you should at

Take risks once in a while
Don’t think twice to try your luck
Maybe this time is a different kind
Of day…… a better…a luckier…and a different day

Another day
Another story
Another chapter to be unfolded

Dream My Dreams
October 27, 2007
by: phnas

I spent my nights dreaming
About the things I would want to happen between you and me
I don’t wanna open my eyes so I could see you still
But forever can’t be like that

CHORUS:

I wanna wake up
Face the sunlight
Believe the truth that you can’t be mine
It’s painful to imagine the things that will remain as dreams
I wish I could change what’s meant for me

I know this would fade away, just fade away
Things are not real
Dreams never gonna come true
But my heart is with you all the time
Strong faith that soon I am gonna be in your mind too
Dreaming the same dreams I used to

I pray someone would hear me
Make me stop for a while and believe the reality
That not all dreams can come true
No matter how badly we want them too

The Friendship Once We Had

2007-09-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

The Friendship Once We Had
08/22/07
written by:phnas

We started okay
Colleagues, then becoming good friends
Take out lunches we do everyday
Great conversations that we shared together

Days with you didn’t seem to end

But one day, you came to me
And said, “I love you more than just a friend”
I got scared and wanted to let go
Because I had the fear of losing you so

CHORUS:
I wish you didn’t say that you love me
I wish that I didn’t hear the words that would make me go away
I wish that everything would remain the same
My heart is too coward to risk the both of us
To give in to the feelings and be happy for a while
Please be the person I used to know
Bring back the friendship once we had

Am I fool to turn my back on you?
You might not understand the foolish things I’ve done
But I hope one day will come and make you realize
That I once dreamed to be forever at your side

Please be the friend I used to know
I need you, I need the friendship once we had

My Wish List

2007-09-02T23:56:00.000+08:00

For me, celebrating my birthday means being given another opportunity to fix things up and start again. Adding a year to my age does not distress me, on the other hand, I get excited, hearing greetings from my loved ones and friends, receiving gifts and making me feel special and remembered on that special day make my heart leaps for joy.

But this year, things are bit different. It’s like I don’t feel that September 4 is coming. I’m not conscious enough that I’ll be 22 in a day time and I haven’t really planned on what to do. I just pray that it would not be like any ordinary day that would just pass by insignificantly…

Anyways, at least I've thought of some things I want to do at 22:

*to have a social life once a week (a movie with mama, eat out, meet friends will do)
*to have a time to sit down, sip coffee and read a good book every once in a while.
*to go to the gym at least once a week.
*to regularly go to mass.
*to invest on personal things.
*to save money.
*to see my daddy and half-brothers more often.
*to keep in touch with my friends always.
*to sleep and rest.
*to be madaldal.
*to write, write, write a lot!
*and hopefully in God’s will, to have “an answered prayer”.

Fear of Mr. Dursley's look alikes...lol

2007-08-27T08:13:00.000+08:00

Do psychiatrists have a name for the fear of foreigners? Well, I studied Psychology myself but haven’t heard of that one. Wondering why am I asking? Because I think I have that kind of fear, hehe. No, really, especially the old and huge ones, like Mr. Dursley in Harry Potter (yikes!).

Only few close friends know this but it’s true. I can’t stand being close to them. When I was in Galera (where there are foreigners all around!) I hid from them and had my bes cover me almost all the time we were wandering the bar areas (scary talaga..). He was laughing at me because I was so weird daw. I didn’t enjoy that trip much, and it’s all because of those beasts!!! I couldn’t go out at night and had myself trapped in the room watching blurry cable tv shows...playing card games and scrabbles…now tell me, was that cool?gggrrr….

I am pretty sure that I wasn’t traumatized with foreigners when I was a kid,so no history of it. Maybe it’s just paranoia, yet still weird and yah a bit ridiculous if you would just think about it. Crazy me!

But what I know is that, for a person to get rid of a certain fear, she should be exposed to that thing that she is afraid of (forgot the term.). In my case, I need to deal with people like Mr. Dursley…gosh! This is torture!!!

Another chance...

2007-08-26T20:50:00.001+08:00

Pagkakataon

08/19/07

written by: phnas

Pagkakataon and aking hiling
Para simulan muli itong pangarap
Minsang pagsuko’t pagkakamali
Ay kalimutan kasama ng mga ulap

Tiwala sa sarili ang kailangan
Tatag ng loob at pananampalataya
Sipag at tiyaga ang panlaban
Sa hamo’t pagsubok na nakaamba

Panahon na para tumayo sa sariling mga paa

Patunayan sa sarili na kayang-kaya
Tuparin ang ninanais at ikaliligaya
Di dapat sumuko sa isang kisap-mata
Tuloy-tuloy lang hangga’t may pag-asa

Kapag nadapa, tumayo’t magsimula
Nang walang takot at pangamba
Paulit-ulit man at nakakasawa
Magkamali at matuto ang mahalaga

A song for Jess

2007-08-19T02:31:00.000+08:00

A Song for Jess
06/20/07
written by: phnas

Tears run down on my face
Hopes run dry in my heart
Nobody seemed to care
Everything seems to turn back on my side
It’s all me myself and thy God!

I whisper His name, my friend, my Father
Helps through these awful times are fading away
Im struggling, weary and troubled
Whom can I turn to? Whom can I call?
It’s all me, myself and thy God!

The world is busy with things it has
People are not contented, dissatisfied
Pre-occupied with gold and glory
Priorities changin, lives are complicated
Whom can I turn to? Whom can I call?
It’s all me, myself and thy God!

Let us be reminded of God’s love
Him, whom we can turn to, whom we can call
In our happiest and toughest times
It’s you, yourself and thy God!

An OLD Question

2007-08-19T02:27:00.000+08:00

I am a reading and spelling teacher, I handle special kids with Learning Disabilities. One part of our program is called Oral Language Development (OLD). It aims to develop kids’ ability to express their feelings and views in complete and organized manner because most of them have disarray thoughts. Having this job for more than a year, I could say that I am really getting used to it, that sometimes I am doing it with my friends already, during lunch outs, dinner get-togethers or during even a chit-chat over the phone. It’s a funny feeling when I realize after doing that, that I actually treated my friends as my students. Well, it’s the teacher in me working!

Anyways, let’s go back to the OLD part. If there is one question I would like to ask myself right now, honestly, it would be this: Am I satisfied with my life? (pretty hard huh!). And to tell you the truth, I am not sure what to answer yet.

Admit it. We, human beings naturally don’t feel satisfied easily, especially with life in general. Everyday, we ask more and more things. Our hunger for contentment and happiness is infinite. That sometimes, we don’t know when to stop asking. Sad but true…

I wake up in the morning and ask myself, why my life isn’t changing the way I planned and wanted it? I know I am working hard, but it’s just the fruit of my labor as they call it, that is not in front of me. Why can’t I have it tangibly, now or sooner? Yah, you may ask why am I so raring to go for it. I don’t know, maybe I compete with time, with age. I want to achieve so many things with my life, with so little time and if I will be stacked to this kind of living for quite a long while, things that I want to do would be narrowed down. And at the end, I know I would still feel unsatisfied.

God has plans for me. I am sure of that and whatever they are, I believe that they will really make me truly happy, that those plans will serve my purpose here. I am trying to lift everything to Him and trust Him with my life, with everything I do. I still fail, many times, but I know I am learning. It’s a good start. J

So, did I nail the OLD question, well obviously not, but I am hopeful that soon, very soon, God will make me realize how to best answer that it.